so its 10:42 on friday night and i have 2 choices:
1. stay home
2. go to someones house that would end up in stupidity….

i’ll go with the first i guess. i dont know what happened. at school everyone was saying, oh we have to do something! i thought i would be out tonight you know! but alas, i am not. courtney’s doin something so is everyone else. I would crash at the howell’s but… didnt work out that way.

so that new bind movie looks excellent! i’m thinking of like WALKING to a movie theatre at this point cause i was so pumped to go! but we didnt… As soon as kate and adi left, i left the house and just started walking around. after about a half hour i came back cause it got too cold. i think im going to go back outside… maybe get raped or something… that was a joke.

if you are seriously reading this, you are my hero.

blahh blee bloo blah blee. what up dog? pay attention dog…
heehoohaa. so thats whats going on with me. i’m trying to think of something interesting to write about, but right now i dont have a developed opinion on anything.

except mansfield park! i love that movie! i didnt get to read the whole book, but the 1999 movie rocks! its the perfect austen movie and i could see why she favored it above the others. LLOOOVVEE ITT!

yeahhh im hyper.

Well i’ll end your agony. i hope you are only reading this cause you are as bored as i am! haha! just kidding fools,

no God, no peace
know God, know peace

I have this thing where i mark the 4, 12, and 13 of every month with a big BEST DAY EVER! the 4 is the THIRD BEST DAY EVER! the 12 is the SECOND BEST DAY EVER!! and the 13 is the THE BEST DAY EVER!!! These, as you may have guessed, are my favorite numbers. I really liked even numbers as a kid. 4 was the number on my first basketball jersey, big ben’s number, and of course, its the perfect number for everything. 12 has always been my favorite number (until now.) It is my dad’s favorite number, the number of donuts i can eat (probably,) and i dont know why else… but it was my favorite for a long time. Then i came accross the number 13! I never thought of 13 being anyone’s favorite number… but i really am not superstitious at all. 13 is awkward, NOT even, and multiply it by two and it equals 26… a number i hate. But for whatever reason (with added props from it being delonte’s) i chose to have it be my favorite number. So it came to it being the best day ever of every month….

but this best day ever happens to be on a home church thursday! Not any home church, it is THE HOME CHURCH! Well, it will be the best day ever… why? glad you asked ’cause i am dying to tell….

1. home church: we have already gone over this point. i love hc! its super fun!!

2. there is this terror special on the history channel later that night that i have been waiting since monday to see. the commercials look soo interesting!! I am a fan of history and Adi definitely got me into watching the history channel.

3. Journalism: I have been trying for 2 weeks to write an NBA story and it didnt come-writer’s block-until now! i am for some reason excited to continue writing it. I would be doing so at present buuuuttttt, i didnt feel like carrying anything home.

4. i’m gunna wear my new shoes tomorrow. i get excited by these things.

5. the reason WHY it will be the BEST DAY EVER!!!: COURTNEY IS COMING TO HOME CHURCH!!!!! HOW KICK ASS IS THAT!?! I can’t wait! i was so fearful of inviting her AGAIN but when i finally did, she said she wanted to! the Lord has answered my prayers!!! SO if everyone could pray that nothing will get in the way of her coming, that would be the best thing ever!

Now you know why it will be the best day ever: its the 13 and courtney is coming to hc!
woo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I just wrote a long depressing blog about how I am sad that everyone thinks of me as negative. I deleted it because that is totally ironically stupid. Besides, contrary to popular beliefs, I am hardly every depressed! I am so happy right now I just thought, whats the point of whining over something that i think i am improving? i just want to be known for my hits not just my misses.

Moving on; Carrie and I are teaching cell tomorrow! I am so pumped for it! I love making all the outlines, looking up verses and organizing the information into an interesting facts. I do not feel stressed at all. The Lord totally has his hand on this teaching, I can feel it. I just hope I dont screw it up beforehand. I am going over 2 attributes of God: ompnipotent and love. Have you ever had the feeling when you just realize how amazing God is? It kind of feels like a refresher. Every couple of weeks, God just reminds me of how amazing he really is and what an awesome thing he did for us! I mean, how come I am so selfish when he did this selfless act-for me!! Wow!

I lost my tennis match in tennis class today. It was fun playing, but I realize i hav just gotten worse from starting the class that is supposed to improve my ’skills.’ I am apparently random when happy.

I am happy. I am joyful! The Spirit is in me and I cannot stop praying. I love the feeling of God loving me. I only hope that everyone else can know this feeling too. Including Courtney, Kenni, “Stefanie” lets call them, even J! How awesome is it to have the Body of Christ as a family? Thank you, Lord! i feel as though all of my problems are solved forever except for the fact that my World history book is waiting to be read and the review worksheet for the test is not completed. I hardly know the names of the battles for the test tomorrow and have forgotten to get ads for the newspaper for the past 2 months. I dont mind, as long as i can sleep with this feeling… heck, I don’t think I will be able to sleep!

goodnight!

but trust me,
i hush puppies.

Sorry, i am listening to Lupe.

<a href=”http://photobucket.com/images/lupe fiasco” target=”_blank”><img src=”http://i268.photobucket.com/albums/jj1/burnin_hedgehog/Lupe%20Fiasco/lupe2.jpg” border=”0″ alt=”lupe fiasco Pictures, Images and Photos”></a>

So i have been thinking a lot lately about relationships. I feel like i am always dissing people, which i am.. and i especially feel bad about one person. I dont exactly have many best friends. In fact, i havent had pretty tight people for awhile. I used to have like five best friends. There was Cara, Heather, Bianka, Miranda and Asta. Then there was Kelly, Bianka, Mallory, Sam and Asta. Then Courtney, Sarah, Lindsay, Gina and Asta… you get the point. Well I moved, Cara stayed. same with Heather. Bianka left. Miranda moved to Singapore, came back and left. Kelly never accepted me after we didnt see eachother for a year. Bianka left… Mallory left badly. Sam left horribly. But Asta has always been there. Yeah, we have had so many rough patches but i have only focused on those. This weekend, a rush of realization came over me and i had a sense of what she is going through. I never could relate to her on this level. I always wondered why i couldnt say everything or why she was always talking. Well i figured out why and im not going to say it here. But i feel for her. And i realize that she DOES care for our relationship as much as i do. What can i say? I cant be here without her. (yes i say that right)¹

Its amazing how God works through people. Seeing as though my two best friends are completely opposite of me, its humorous actually. Asta and Lauren, man its so nice to know i will live with them forever! i just have to think of this and my whole day gets better. i dont have the feeling of school ending when i know im not going to see my new friends for awhile, or ever again. but then i think of my other good friends: adi, anele, chloe, shelly, becky, katy, brooke, brandi, Catie… all yes. But what about Jocelyn, no. Courtney? no. Kenni? no! Im not going to live with them forever. I think this is my main focus for outreach, it really gets me going. Courtney is one of my best friends. Knowing she is not a christian, i die everytime i think about it. It just ruins my whole day. I would love for people to pray for her if they read this. She is realizing that living for soccer and school is pointless so i hope to talk to her on that issue. God, i love her so much and i just wish i could make her a christian sometimes, but that is ridiculous. I want to see er happy like we are. So i hope she comes to homechurch!

please Lord i pray that she does!

you want the real shit, well i got ya

1. and that too [↩]

I just wasted an hour writing an article i was supposed to write wednesday then friday and repeat writing it over the weekend… but i didnt start until sunday at 11:30 and having the latest issue of the Stohion rely on that article and, all in all, me, i was not in a hurry at all. but i will get it done by 3rd period, typed and all with all three copies attached, each one drastically different from the other to hand one to Abbey, Steve and Tessa. Abbey will edit it with many corrections telling me i had a too wordy intro and some opinion in there but tell me that it was good and interesting for a sports story while smiling at me, cause she is nice like that. But she will only give it to me the next day. Tessa will tell me how i need to work on grammar and think in the back of her head that i suck and am just a freshman (when really i am a sophmore) and later complain i know nothing of writing (she forgets i am an editor also.) Steve will think it is a good story. pretty positive for a game that they lost badly and thinks i need to put that one play in that Nate Reed did that i didnt feel like putting in because i dont know lingo like that. I will ask Mike how to word that play that i didnt put in because i dont know how to talk football then he will start explaining in his low, football voice but Steve will interupt and they will start talking and complaining about how they lost. I will fix SOME of the suggestions all three editors made and give it to Don. Don will find only 2 mild mistakes and maybe one major one. She’ll ask if i checked last names and ill say yes and eventually do it. Then I will sit here the next couple of days listening to Becca being stressed, tessa complaining, jenna and nykell gossiping, jessica trying to talk to steve, steve banging on the laptop as if it were a drum, steve’s iPod on high, shelby come in late, Mary complimenting everyone and Matt’s speech impediment when he said choo choo train. I will go on basecamp, text adi and kyle, take pictures of steve banging on the laptop mindlessly and don falling asleep, argue with becca about how not all republicans have a pole up their ass, blog, read forums, look at the homecoming pictures i am hardly in and look really bad in, sleep and maybe work on my page.. but probably not. Becca will probably shove th ‘Bible’ under my nose friday so i will have to look up my punctuation mistakes while i wish it was the second semester and chloe ad jocelyn were in here so i dont have to talk to steve anymore about meaningless stuff, no matter how hilarious he is even when he isnt trying to be.

So that is what is going to happen in journalism next week. I know, i can read minds and tell the future. Just kidding. I am so sorry to anyone who read that whole thing! i was laughing the whole time i was writing it because it is so true! haha thats a nice class, Journalism 2…
So homecoming was this week! The game was super fun, even though we lost. a new guy came up to me, that is always a plus, though i didnt get a chance to invite him to luna’s. I interviewed people, including head coach tinkler and super dull duane, with lots of help from anele!
then saturday i got to sleep in and then lazily pretend to get ready while i was actually ‘journaling.’ i hate the actual verb of writing, i just like to write. My hand cramps up and eventually i get super tired, so my journal or diary consists of pictures with poems written by me on the side or quotes from songs that happen to be playing. They are all black and white in 3 different sizes of sharpies. Some pictures make me cry,  a lot of them make me mad. Only a couple are happy and most are the best pictures i have ever drawn. but nobody has seen them. Excpet a couple. Asta saw them once and i told her i was just bored because i was embarrased i had ever drawn a picture of that guy and a poem to describe my thought of our friendship. But i was wrong, they ALL have something to do with me. A lot are about Bianka and Mallory and Lauren and Asta. I even have a couple about Alex and a couple about B (i know that one is a happy one, haha.) One is a quote taht chloe said and one is how anele looked at me. about 10 are of what i want, about 5 are of what i am struggling with. Most of them have God in there, whetther i am complaining or praising. I dont want anyone to see them but i wished someone would ask. I hate them and a lot of them are ripped in half. Only some of them i hold close to me. I dont think i can share them with anyone, seeing as they are concerning me.

if you didnt noctice, that was a freehand poem, thankyathankya.

anyways, homecoming:
Kate did my hair! i was not going to do anything but she was all ooh it will look very nice and it only took a couple of minutes and it did look awesome!

We got to the howell’s and i hate taking pictures. I definitely wanted one with Asta and Lauren separate, but alas; asta was attached to 100 other girls + jordan and lauren was attached to jon. Adi was with anele and zafi and becky but i did manage to get one with her. for the group pic, i went to the ack and couldnt stop laughing cause jon is fucking hilarious. Then i couldnt get to the front again so you can just see a floating head. HAHA it was funnayyy! i really dont want to go next year unless i have a date though. or bring more firends that dont have dates. Laur was there of course but she was with jon and will probably have a date next year too.

Well w/e. I could pretend i am above the whole thing like one tall blonde senior that changed his mind at the last second leaving me alone to slow dance with anele… whom by the way is a very good dance, though we got distracted a lot looking at asta and jordan, and chris… haha jk.. but no seriously. I feel so weird. I sont feel sad but im really happy lately! and i cannot sleep and i have energy but my body won’t resopnd. AHH its crazy cool. Im gunna go eat… have fun reading this,
and trying to figure it out.

“fuck if you understand me, I like beng misunderstood.”
lil wayne, anyone?

Shelly, Lauren and i at the dance!!!

shell my bell, laur i adore, and me i gotta pee

So a lot of things have been going through my head and i have only been able to make sense of a few… i am not feeling as deep as i usually am… whatever, its still been awesome.

right at this very moment, i feel awesome after mike’s teaching, in a really good spot spiritually, satisfied after a hilarious word event and 100x better than i was last DMT retreat.

now i am not at the whole retreat thingy but it is still super fun for me! no offense to the rents or anything but i love it when i am home alone. i feel like i am in control and can get stuff done, which doesnt always happen but is more likely. i like being with people but i like being alone a lot too. like this weekend: friday i went to field hockey and had a blast with the girls (which is awesome because my team has split into two lately and i, as usual, am stuck in the middle trying to decide what to do, trying to clam the one side down and trying to stop the nastiness from the other.) BUT then i went home and fell asleep then woke up and started sorting things, cause i like to and planned out stuff i needed to do, set aside $150 for driving (which i did HA!) and then fell asleep again watching friends… so i was ind of disappointed that i didnt go anywhere or relate but i got to at field hockey and today. friday field hockey practice is like chillax day, varsity doesnt even practice but we kind of play games and talk for 2 hours.

and then today grandma came over and we went shopping for some shit cause i actually have money…
then i fell asleep again (i woke up early) and went to CT,
i got there early and chilled with lindsay since she was the only one there other than michele… so we started setting up and then realized it was actually our turn to set up… so it all worked out.
then Mike’s teaching was awesome! it was really clear and his personal examples were cool for me to relate to, especially since we are both mels and… you cant spell mel without el!
then we watched the love guru at jordans… not a good movie but it was a great time. it was me, becky, katy, jordan, jon, cody and jose…. katie g was gunna come but she was being all fussy so i kind of gave up since the movie was half way over and she already missed the teaching… but it was fun, and funny.

SO i was looking at my myspace, which i only use to talk to my cousins and listen to music, and i found an old blog. it was really weird! i forgot i was so sad in middle school! usually i dont get depressed as a mel, i just get mad. but back then i was depressed. but i dont count middle school as my life anymore, i didnt like it. well here is the middle school blog i wrote:

i hate you. i swore i hated you. i do hate you. i loved you. but i hate you now.

you dont care if i hate you. you dont care if i loved you. you dont care about me.

then why is it when i see you i look into your eyes and your sad?

i pass you in the hall and when you see me you remember.

why is it that when you look at me, i cant say anything and you just sit there for a couple seconds staring.

and when you open your mouth, not a word…

and those seconds drag on like hours, but not days

they cant possibly be days.

because when she closes the locker door and turns to me to say lets go,

my cold stare shifts and you look away.

and i just wish you would say what you wanted to say.

cause i know you miss it,

not me, but it

being loved and having fun

without the pressure of looking cool

i know you miss your friends

not me but them

and i know its heartbreaking for you to see me

and your definitely ashamed of what youve become

you know it–and you just cant say it

“you had fun”

but after all those feelings pass, and those memories fade just like our past

you look away and so do i

and you may think nothing of it

but as those hourly seconds drag on

im feeling the same way

and i hate you

and i miss you

and i loved you

but not anymore

cause your gone now

and the pain you feel when you see us,

-not just me-

thats enough punishment for now

and what you encounter next

who knows,

maybe ill feel sorry for you…

someday.

but not today

all i can do is ask

What happened to you?

… creepy right? i think i know who i was writing about. it was either lauren, katie, courtney, mallory, bianka or alex… robably all of them. cause thats how i felt when they all left me. its strange for me to realize i still have a bit of that emotion, the anger i had, but now it makes me depressed. reverse me round!! im not ‘depressed’ like aahh booo hoooo waahhhh. but just a little sadness in me when i think of them and how i loved them… i guess you could say they ripped me out for awhile. they were my close relationships, they were my good friends. i guess i have always been stuck in the past.. but i just wish i could have real relationshiips again. those were probably just middle school naive friendships but i am hardly close with anyone now! i was close with all those people…
now i am close with asta, adi and i would love to say lauren but i dont think she is on that list yet… i know lots about her and i absoutely love her. it is just a matter of her telling me everything and that she doesnt know me at all… i dont think many people do. but i guess thats my fault, right! i dont talk to much and i hate talking about how i feel. so, i guess i like it this way but it isnt right.

i am so grateful for my friends though! i love them all so much!

“it was probably the most selfish prayer ever: God help me, I’m sad.” hahahaha mike!

trust me, it is more comfy than it sounds…

“No one else will know these lonely dreams..” maybe people do. I have a hard time relating with my friends sometimes. They talk about soccer, driving, parties or boyfriends all of which i have a lack of experience. So the best i can do for them is listen, pray and when they ask me for advice… think? I didnt think anyone felt the way i felt. no one in my school has never had a boyfriend or a first kiss or no one has ever not played spin th bottle… then i realized there was someone in my house that felt almost the same way as me. but i think Adi is more confident in herself and i look up at her for it.

There is a lot of pressure coming from the water above and the current below, squeezing me so hard i canot even say a word to stop it. It has always bothered me until now. I guess i got used to people saying “youve never had a boyfriend!!” more astonished than actually caring. and now its home coming.

part of me doesnt want to go because i dont want to go with someone… or because i hate it when people ask who are you going with… or because the thought of spending even that much amount of time being there with someone totally scares the shit out of me.

Ive always said i just didnt want a boyfriend… i realise now that it is because i am terrified. I am scared shitless when i have to open up to asta or lauren… how am i supposed to date someone? how am i supposed to put the rest of my life into someone’s hands [when the time comes] and tell them i love them!?! its super scary… i dont want to get married.

i have thought about it of course.
my big time crush in 7th grade…
of course he was way out of my league… but he WAS a great friend and i could actually see myself trusting him… but you know that was 7th grade.
i havent liked anyone that much since. plus its not like it is important right now right?
then why do i think about it all the time?

im just being a 15 year old girl… which sucks. and i swear i try to be mature and above what people say but i take it and i chew on it for some time then i stick it in th back of my cheeck to move on but when i remember its there, i cant spit it out… “..and im not supposed to let it bother me.”

gosh, this is when i would LOVE to be a guy…

its been awhile since i have blogged last. Reading everyone’s made me miss it kind of because they are all really good.

but now blogging again i remembered why i stopped: its stupid. maybe? is it? i didnt think so but then i was told so, so it is.

I always have my opinion about something and i think, yes that is what it is! Whether it is awesome or dull, that is what it is to me, right? I do sometimes think about it and it changes my mind but not too often. But then with other people you can get a whole different opinion about it and you realize that thats it and what you thought was really wasnt and linger in the fact that they are right and you are wrong. So what they say can change your whole entire mind-set on that one thing. It can be a good thing! It is very often a great thing when someone says something and you realize, oh i never thought about it like that. I’m not talking the big stuff. I am talking when you hold up a dress and shining in its perfection when your mom sees it and says “thats what hookers wear.” then you realize it is short on your rather long legs and there is no way that it will stay up with no straps. Or your listening to a great song over and over again and it really hits you and your friend says “It sounds like they are whining.” And you realize their voice is kind of high and repeting the line ‘your all i have’ is kind of pathetic at a point. OR, last one, when you wrote a blog to describe a trip you just went on and you think it is really cool the way you introduced the fear and anxiety you had when meeting kids and serving them for a week just to hear you friend say “i finally read a blog and your was first and i thought it was stupid.” And you realize that all that effort you spent trying to write how your hands were shaking and how you were too nervous too speak was all for nothing.
And you try to look at it from a different perspective as, not everyone is going to like your writing or he just didnt read it right… but no matter what happens no one else said anything and when you ask family they say its fine but really they are just family and its not the same… as a friend …

saying its stupid.

SCARED? No. Shy? No. Excited? A little? Then what? I’m not sure. But something is making me shake. A mixture of excitement, stress, nerves and probably the lack of sleep. The car could be a factor as well. It could be that i didn’t know what i was going to do. I tried to imagine. My mind was blank. I knew the center, the leaders, Jim, Melanie, where we were going to meet, ages of kids but not what we were going to do. I prayed in my head for God to help because i didnt know what else i coud do.
I guess i was nervous. Yeah, thats what its called; troubled, worried, anxious… everything I am in my normal life. Maybe i thought about it too much. Thinking about it now, maybe i went crazy for a couple of minutes. Maybe I am crazy now thinking about how i dont know what i was feeling, what i am feeling, what i do feel everyday. Maybe Susanna Kaysen made me think crazy and reading her book just made me feel… crazy.
Back to Buffalo.
“Why is it called Buffalo?” It was a pretty stupid name, i agreed with what Asta had said.
But before i knew it, we were there. Stepping through the side door just made me more excited. but why? I really dont like kids too much. Not that i dont like them, i just loose patience with them quite frequently.
I walked down the stairs, through the cafeteria, down the hall letting my hand feel all the yellow hooks next to the locker room. Up a little set of stairs, passed another. Big stairs. Where were we going again? I realized we stopped. Melanie was talking? Doors opened, we were in the theatre. And there were kids.

This is Michael

This is Michael

The first kids i met were Michael, Sam and Elizabeth. Sam had glasses and his voice was quiet but he wasn’t. Michael’s voice was loud and he was too. Elizabeth was exactly like Katie, my little sister. I didnt say anything for a little bit. Well, i said hi and grabbed a coloring book and sat down, watching the three argue.
“Remember in the car when we were laughing so hard…”
“I dont like that car…”
“Do you ever stop talking…”
“He always talks.” i realized Sam said this to me. I smiled and said “Oh, really.” ????
Michael refuted with, “Sam always talks so i cant fall asleep.” “Why do you want to sleep now?”
“Not now, at night!” “i dont talk to you at night.” “Yeah you do.” Elizabeth said. And i asked her her name and she told me and showed me her picture. It was nice. They made me feel much more comfortable.
So that was the start of the first day.

Then there was a kid that had the most energy and sweetness i have ever seen in a boy in first grade. Jay See–i dont know if that is how you spell it–was jordan and joe’s subject. It was pretty cool cause J and J had him focus his energy. And oh it did take both of them, he had such energy that it seemed he lost control. He was so cute.

Jay See

A little girl named Rhema was my favorite kid of them all. She was super friendly and i was her favorite, so of course i loved her. :] She would get mad if i left her but forgive me and we would start talking about high school musical. She had feed back on Jordan’s teaching (her favorite) and told me about her brother, who was also there. She was So adorable and a perfect little girl.

Rhema

Donnell was a ball of hate. I tried to talk to him but it always ended with an ‘i hate you’ or ‘i’ll sue.’ i think he just wanted to be B.A.

Donnell

other highlights of the trip were:
-Tuesday. the swimming day. i didnt swim but i hung out with two kids, one of which was Nasseem. He was in the 3rd and 4th grade group and seemed to be friends with everyone. the ANCHOR BAR! i dont like wings too much but i had some french fries and they were goood. everyone had a great time. then joe left. then neil came.

Nasseem

-Wednesday. niagra falls! that was crazy hilarious. getting into canada was terrifying. The guy came to look at who was in the car. he tried to open 2 of the morschmellows side doors and i told him “That one gets stuck.” he tried again. “it gets stuck?” again. “it wont open.” he gave up. We squished four people in the back bench seat and he didnt seem to notice at all. The falls were amazing! i couldnt believe suck an awesome creation. I wonder why God made such things. It really was awesome.
-Thursday, last day with kids. the kids play at the end of the day was so cute. it may have lasted only 5 minutes but the end was the best. We attached a sheet with ‘bricks’ drawn on it to the overhead screen and realed it up. Eric, a really tall guy my age, read off a piece of paper then the sheet wall came down and there were these adorable 1st graders waving flags.
i couldnt stop laughing they were awesome!

Me and Michael

One person i had a blast with was Becky Allen. It was cool to see her deal with the kids even though she was overwhelmed. Becky is a realllyyyy funny person.

“Why do gay people get the whole freaking rainbow?!” Becky Allen

Going home was the worst.
This really makes me want to move to Buffalo, New York

We stayed in the attic(k?). It was really cool until half the room flooded and it got moldy…. this is the half that was dry and we crammed 5 girls over there.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I cant stress how much i appreciate the Wordies.

Saturday night at the party we had an encouragement circle and i cant remember what i said to most of them. I know i vomited out Mike, Jeff and B but i felt like i didnt say enough. especially to mike. I mean mike is mike. he is such a strong person to be here and act the way he does. he could have left with steve and sam b/c they were his friends too but he stayed. he is such a spiritual guy and is one of the best guys ever.

and Jeffis! he surprises me everyday–litterally. I see him a lot with my dad and he is always so friendly. From surprising us with pizza one day to a surprise talk, he seems-is-like a strong soldier of God.

it was a great bonfire. the best there has ever been.

—————————————————————————–

Then today.

B opened up to me. i asked him some questions because he said i was ‘aloud to’.

then i asked him what was on my mind and he told me something very awesome.

then i thought what was on my mind… the future? kind of. more like a lack of future. what can i do, i’ve been thinking lately. A dream is to lead south street but i guess Adi is training for that. and i am not a leader. i cant do anything because i cant lead people. i would totally want to but i just cant, i guess. Interpreter one (me) would say i am a leader but interpreter two (me) would also totally slam it down and would justify it somehow. Maybe i could move to Buffalo where i dont know many people and become a leader. Like try to lead Buffalo because i love it and i want to save it.

So in my mind of what i can do (my mind not God’s plan for me) it is either die by the high sschool or move to Buffalo…. or just stay here and go to Kent and adapt a block baby

i can feel You all around me
thickening the air i breath in
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing

i am not that into christian music but flyleaf does a good job of making it interesting. i mean this is an awesome song and when they explain it on the radio, its terribly accurate.
i CAN feel Him all around me
maybe not thickening the air i breath in
but im holding onto what im feeling
not savoring this heart thats healing

…The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I’m alive, I’m alive

i am alive… and have to take tests such as basic doctrine final–in one day. i have one day left. i know i am going to not do too sweet but i dont feel too sad about it. i want to take this class over again and i know i probably will. i just had to take a break from studying! so i write a blog. and listen to flyleaf. and maybe eat some dinner. but it will always be there; the knowledge that i am going to fail a test in a couple of hours. oh yes, it will always be there, until i know that i have failed it. its like freakin school again!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH