While writing a letter to one of my dearest friends, my pen moved swift across the page fueled on inspiration of emotion…. until I came to the part where I had to explain the reason for my most recent motivation to live: Outlaw love.

My pen stopped, which is connected to my hand which is the instrument on my body that best maps out my thoughts from ideas to words that normal people can understand. (lol im so avant garde) Thus, my mind stopped as well. How exactly can I describe what being an outlaw is? which lead to: what is an outlaw? Which lead to a speedy collapse of my whole world (dont worry people, it happens daily.) I couldnt word it exactly and my poor friend wouldbe been stuck reading the words “bad ass,” “lovely,”JESUS,” and “cant explain” in complete disarray.

But, instead of giving up, someone erged me to reinvestigate what it means to be an Outlaw. Obviously, I would say the most precise example & definition of what an outlaw is is simple: Jesus. As I fumbled through some passages looking for verses for the ‘Outlaw verses’ assignment (which i was too tempted just to type THE WHOLE FUCKIN BIBLE in 76 font) I reread Jesus’ life in the gospels. It occured to me that all this time we had been saying how outlaw JC was, I was sitting there nodding my head & thats all… But, looking back through with the question “Outlaw?” in my head, I realized JC was badass… I mean I really felt like I was actually discovering it for myself.

And what stood out to me about how bamf outlaw Jesus was the most is how he knew it. Thats right. He straight up told his followers (in matthew) you are going to get hated on by the world because of me…

This answered an even more confusing question of mine: what is Outlaw love? How the tish do we DO that?

When I read this passage in Matthew, it opened my eyes to how fearful the world is. I didn’t know how to describe it till my dad said fearful at family night but hell yeah, they are scared shitless especially when they come face to face with an outlaw bearing the sword in one hand and love in the other.

(Another point that struck me was when JC said he didnt come here to make peace, he came here as a sword. He came to cut our world apart and and show us what we are so scared of.)

But back to love… I couldnt describe Outlaw love… I mean I LOVE LOVE! All kinds of love. I weep everytime I read Sense & Sensibility! I am all about love! But outlaw love, i think, is a combination of two factors I have yet to unearth: Love & Authority. Yeah, yeah ‘Love authority’ i know i know… but this is different… kind of. Outlaw love is loving someone outside of their boundries.  Not ‘i guess ill love them’ or ‘if thats okay with you,’ it is just like Jesus did, learning & teaching & saying no & saying yes & enjoying gpd’s gifts & depending on eachother & doing whatever it takes to love eachother no matter how wrong you are… how uncomfortable you are… how lazy you are… how strange the other person is. And it is all relying on God…

It’s a completely different way of loving people. I think I’m pretty wrong but that’s my impression of what it is so far. I haven’t loved many people with this ‘Outlaw love’ mind set… because I just discovered this formula… I’ll let you know how it goes.

Outlaws love to love. They enjoy what god gives them (ecclesiastes) and learn from eachother….

Being an outlaw isn’t being hard & alone. It’s quite the opposite. But with the mentality to pierce through the layer of fear people have over their heart with the power of the man Jesus Christ in your heart.

It’s so simple yet no one gets it… It’s one of the oldest ways to live life yet nobody remembers… It’s Jesus.

When I come to that point I have a choice. The room is flooded with voices, energy vibrates throught limbs, those little white squares are chatting away through a smile that leads to a window of uninterrupted noise. It is positively enjoyable, but not for me. I am standing on the edge of a cliff, not bothering to acknowledge the nothingness I am about to get stuck in. My head is filling with thoughts of loneliness and disregard which exit through my eye sockets are pitiful tears. There is no point. I am never going to get what I want.

       Emotion is my best friend for it will never turn me away when I come for self pity. My thoughts carry emotion through my veins to consume my whole very being. By the time this happens, on lookers just comprehend a very black hole sitting alone on a couch. Very unattractive. I see the stares I recieve and look at my reflection, how pathetic. The very weakness of my image makes me plunge into an even further state of self pity. I can’t stop now.

      As i sit on the edge of the cliff, I lean forward. I can feel my grip loosen on the gravel under me. My hair swings against my damp cheeks. The cold wind swoops up to me from the black pit, pushing me, pushing me… the voice wakes me up. I dont flinch, just my eyes flicker open. My body about to dangle over an entire moment of depression. My eyes open, and I realize what I am about to do. I see the tears, I hear the angry words coming from my mouth. I feel the heart ripping loneliness of knowing what I put myself through but trying to blame others. I see my homeless form lying in bed, willing itself to sleep but unsuccesful because it knows the morning wont bring sunshine…

     I see what is in for me if I decide to plunge into the shattering shadows. Hope destroyed… if even for one night. I see it and I lean back.

    I lay myself down on the solid ground which never seemed so warm before. The soft vibrations call to me and happy light is beckoning from every warm smile in the room.

      I make it official. I stand not looking back to the deep crevase of my mind but forward to the open arms of those sweet souls waiting to forgive and forget whatever mistake I was about to make… I made my choice.

It isn’t easy ignoring yourself especially when you value what you say. I know I talk about making a choice to be happy a lot… well, I just took you through what that choice is. What it is like to decide to be positive and not focus on the dangerous thoughts of self.

    I experienced this tonight. I was very far in, even got to the point where I sat on the couch alone. But then I thought to myself: is this one little thing really worth ruining my night? Is it really a big deal? No and no. I had over exaggerated one thought that spread like a weed through my head and heart (and boy, those two can be real convincing when they are working together, lemme tell you.)

     The sad truth is I go through this A LOT… My mind spins these webs I love to follow because the main focus is, you guessed it, ME!

   But , that is me being negative because I used to give in every time. I look back and wonder how many nights i ruined because things werent going my way… Now, I feel the difference. And its a difference.

      Going against my mind and heart scares me.. but that just proves I cant do it. Theres something else inside me that pulls me away from that ledge… the spirit.

     I dont know if I will ever never be depressed but I havent in the longest time. And I have someone to thank for that. Someone I owe credit of all my relationships and every night of fun to. He showed me the otherside of things. Helps me see the result if I do give in. His love turns me around. And His body walks me away.

  I am so happy I dont waste my time in my dark thoughts anymore. Cause, lets face it, that was pathetic and disguisting. They were so time & energy consuming, I have said I’m done. This is what makes me happy now. Having a good time & loving instead of hating every second of my life and being selfish. Its a change but firstly a choice… and I couldnt make it or make it through alone.

Every person feels emotion; the difference between each person is how great the feeling is. One person can feel sad, while the person sitting next to them is enduring the most intoxicating, overwhelming suffering the sad person could not begin to understand. Many of the less emotional call the sweeping emotional people drama queens when, in reality, they could not imagine such a terrible hurt. Here, we stepped into the life of Emma, who suffered from what she thought was a disorder, almost drove herself crazy every time she felt that emptiness creep into her heart. And her story begins…             Emma enjoyed being alone. She had friends, she had many friends she just did not mind having her own time once in awhile. Her friends did not understand her. Sometimes they would look over her after a joke was told to see a shade of the coldest blue instead of a glowing orange that was evoked from the laughter in the group. Other instances, she would be happiest of all shining yellow above all of them. She knew she was feeling everything different, she just could not understand the reason.             Teen hormones were always thrown out there by her mother as the reason for the problem. Her sister had often times called her bipolar. Her father was oblivious just as the rest of her family, she knew how to put on a mask.             Lately, Emma was feeling worse. All around glum. She stuttered and lost interest in everything about her. She had become more quiet than usual and was not willing to open her heart to anyone. She was convinced she was depressed but refrained from letting any doctor or counselor help her.             On a Tuesday, her least favorite day, she walked the halls of her high school staring out onto the sunlit grounds almost smiling. These were the days she lived for during the god-forsaken school year. She felt a hand round her waste and looked at it curiously.             “Hello sunshine,” said a slight voice above her. She turned to smile at the tall boy who had seemed to absorb the sunlight quite nice. “Scott, good morning!” Emma breathed, her heart racing. She could her face had taken on a red skin tone as he wrapped both of his arms around her.  She was not one for public displays of affection, she found they were slightly immature and honestly disgusting, but, he was behaving and it was a sunny day so she gave in.             The two did not always have opportunities like this; they were on again off again for the past two months, which in Emma’s mind was much too long for a high school relationship. Most days, it was a challenge to look him in the eye. She often used her thick brown hair to shield her eyes from his searching spotlights.             The two continued to walk down the hall. “You look like you are doin’ okay today,” said Scott trying to be careful with what he knew was a bomb that could explode at any second.             “Yeah, well it happens,” Emma replied in a distant voice. She was quite annoyed at the almost psychiatric remark. She didn’t need taken care of like so. “How are you?”             They continued their simple conversation, both of them holding onto their hard outer shell, neither one letting in a little light.             Around noon, she was with her friends on their way to the common area to sit and eat. She listened to Sam, Amber and Jane squabble about weekend plans and gossip that had occurred at Matt’s party Saturday night. She peered around, looking for Scott in his flannel to maybe provide a little bit of more sophisticated information than who puked on who, but she knew better than to hope he was eating lunch at lunch…             She walked with them down the hall to Sam’s locker, near the library. The artwork caught her eye, she was slightly troubled they had framed the pieces already; she saw several of her own works placed in front. She quickly and quietly removed the paper nametags that attributed the artist in front of her paintings before her friends could notice.             She continued her day like this, semi-distant with not much to say. She would never expect the events that would happen that afternoon, assuming it was just another miserable Tuesday.             She returned home and ran to her room at once. She collapsed onto her bed with a sigh of relief, turned Linkin Park on and fell asleep almost instantly. She never dreamt, she awoke from a black sleep at sunset. Her room illuminated and shadows stretching across her cluttered floor. She didn’t move but smiled in the silence.             When the sun had fully set, she willed herself to move. Emma sat up and froze. Something creaked through the darkness which was now entirely soaked through her room. She waited and started to move again, then she heard a hand on the doorknob and her heart escalated. It slowly drifted open.             Emma couldn’t move. Her eyes glued to the shadow beyond the door, trying to make any shape out from the wooden door. Then a deep voice punctured the silence.             “Emma, do not move, do not worry. I am here to your benefit. I am here to help,” said the deep voice.             “Uhm, ok?” Emma replied, still extremely tense.             “You are different, Emma. The way you think, what you feel you are different but you are not alone,” continued the voice. The deep tone was soothing and reassuring, every moment she felt more and more relaxed as the room became much more pleasant.             “You are at the stage of your life where you are finding what you can do the most. You are capable of many things. Emma, you are special but not alone,” the stranger seemed to be finished. She could have been annoyed if did not feel so relieved.             “What, exactly do you mean when you say what I can do?” Emma said.             “Your emotions are just the beginning of your findings. Your philosophies and feeling amount to a passion within you where you will be able to transfer what is in your mind so others can experience it… physically,” the voice said softer, there was movement in the darkness but it remained in the deepest dark. “You have memories of this happening, memories where you may have been frustrated with the simplicity of someone that you had them feel it…”             Emma looked down, reeling through her thoughts trying to think of what he could be saying. She was twelve; Sam was sitting across from her chatting and chatting. Emma felt an overwhelming pain to share her feelings, like they were bursting out of her. Sam would not be quiet; she could not even try to care. Emma grabbed Sam’s waving hand and she pulled it back crying. Sam had seen images and felt an overwhelming heat but not burning, though, she was sure she could have inflicted more pain. Emma remembered all the times she was so mad at Scott that as soon as she touched him, he left immediately.             Every time this happened, she was alone.             “And you say I am not alone?” Emma said desperately.             “That is where we come in,” said a new voice with a slight giggle from behind that one. There was a flash and her eyes went array.             She focused her eyes and found she was not alone. There were four people in the room with her. The closest was a woman with a bright smile. She looked harder, and found the woman was not so much a woman but a girl. She looked no older than Emma yet, when she moved her head to smile, her hair shimmered gray streaks in her brown hair. She also had a mask hanging loosely round her neck. Behind the woman’s stunning smile, her face was worn and almost old, though it the frail skin did not register to Emma at first.             Next was a very normal young man. He did not smile; he did not seem to look her way. His eyes were down but once he felt her glare, he looked up. Emma took a huge gasp as soon as his eyes met hers. The eyes felt like spotlights, swirling green and yellow that no shadow could cover. She felt the warmth increase as her muscles relaxed on her bed. It was a very hard task to look away but curiosity got the better of her.             To his right was an older man, who looked about his twenties. This man did not look normal at all; he looked like a male model crossed with a body builder. His black shirt stretched across his chest, which, at a closer look, seemed to be pulsating. He smiled extremely warmly at her.             The last individual was behind the three of them; his face covered in darkness, all Emma could make out was a silouette. They were all wearing black. Emma sat there taking in breath slowly and letting it out even slower.             “So,” she finally said, “you are all… special?”             “Yup!” said the other woman in the room. “My names Peyton.”             “And I am Phil,” said the muscular man. “This is Tommy.” He pointed to the young man, his eyes sinking lower to  the ground.             “You can call him Slug,” he said, motioning to the dark man in the back.             “That’s right. We are all ‘special’ in a different way. Each fueled by a psychological sense that is frankly unexplained,” said the dark voice, protruding from Slug. “Phil started with the most compassion and character which fueled him to take on a hero role. His body followed suit, as observed—“             “Yeah, his heart is too big for his head,” interrupted a giggling Peyton.             “Peyton emotes something extremely unusual. She has such a strong happiness about her, she took that power and energy to harness it into pleasurable physical abilities humans are not capable of. Speed, for example,” said Slug.             “The more she laughs, the faster she goes,” said Tommy quietly. Peyton giggled and winked at Emma.             “Tommy is our newest find,” Slug continued. “You will find he does not speak much for what he is spectacular at is listening. He listens deep into your heart to where he can read what you are trying to portray, mind reading to an extent.             “Quite the opposite of what you are capable of. Your ability is fierce. Do not be discouraged by this, each one of these people came to me not knowing how to control themselves. The reason we are here is to offer you assistance,” Slug stopped, waiting for an answer.             Emma contemplated. Super heroes. There were superheroes in her bedroom. They were saying she was a super hero.             “What… what do you do?” She asked Slug rather timidly. She felt like she was violating a law by asking but she needed to know.             “I do not do anything,” He said in a slightly more monotone voice, still dark. “I have been in the shadows all of my life. I watch my surroundings and understand. That is all I do.”             “He is genius,” said Tommy even quieter, the first time he has said anything.             “And you basically are superheroes?” Emma said almost frightened. “What we do is harness our talents and use them to help humanity,” explained Slug. “This is a depraved world. Some people experience emotions just as we do and they have two options. One, if they are capable of thinking deep enough, they can use their emotion to an extent for good. Two, they refute and reject any sign of encouragement or help. They then cannot control their feelings and wreak havoc in crime to every soul around them. Not many people choose the first option, it is a difficult step. The people who do, however, have a responsibility to stop the people who have turned in the wrong direction. And that, is what I am asking you. Will you join us?”             The others stood stiffer, all staring at her, awaiting a response. Emma struggled in her mind. She felt her face fell hard. She was no Superman. How could she be capable of something so honorable and extraordinary when she had so many evil thoughts that could make anyone cry? She felt as depraved as the ones with evil motives around the city. She became so frustrated, tears made their way to the forefront of her eye.             Peyton let out a gasp after some minutes as Emma wiped a tear from her eye. “Whaa…?” She began and looked down. “Your hand,” Peyton said in awe just as Emma realized what everyone was staring at. Her hands were glowing with a layer of flame. Frustration.             She looked back up to see the three of them staring at slug. She saw him give a slight nod to Tommy and Tommy approached Emma slowly. He sat down so he was eye level with her, taking her hand in his, showing no fear. He lifted her hand, examined it then darted his eyes to hers. At first, she tried to look away. But the sunshine in them was so welcoming. She stared back.             “You are not a dark being,” he said extremely soft, almost a whisper. His eyes swirling softly, almost into a smile. “You are not hopeless. You are entirely capable of everything we are. See?” He slightly smiled, motioning at her hand, which extinguished instantly. He set it down gently, still in his. “Know that I understand everything you are feeling. You can trust me. And I know you are capable of controlling everything you have discovered.”             She never broke his gaze. His words sank in. She had never had anyone say that before, she had never had anyone care as much.             “And remember,” he said once more, probably finishing shifting through her mind, “you are not alone.”             “Yes,” was all she said. Emma did not question what the decision had entailed, she did not care. She felt as though she had finally found somewhere she belonged and there was no question to reject the offer.             Tommy’s mouth turned into a full smile. “Come,” he said. They stood up together and were surrounded by the two others smiling warmly. Peyton clamped her on the shoulder, portraying the largest smile. Phil swept her into a hug, she felt his heart beat faster, hers did the same. Tommy had never let go of her hand and, as soon as she was out of Phil’s arms, led her to Slug.             She could make out  indents of eyes, mouth and a protruding nose all of the features dark. She saw his mouth open, “Welcome, we have much to do.”             With a jab and a flash, Emma’s room emptied leaving no inhabitants.

This is going to be short, I have 20 minutes left in class.
I have been experiencing a lot lately. I thought, at first some of it was bad, then it was good then bad, now I’m pretty sure it is a good change but I will never know.
One change is basically my whole personality. I have forever been the melancholy stuck in a ditch with no friends all alone. Until this year.
Now, I am either the melancholy in a ditch (not as severe) or as happy as a sunny day. And trust me, it is entirely new. It may have been the first years of high school, myself taking it 10x harder than necessary. I remember praying that I would become more able to function without being crazy and to be, well, happy. Of course I was happy. I had spurts of happy and I had no reason to hate… but it was never long term.
But this year, man have things changed. I thought, at first, it was something with my body and growing up.. you know teen hormones and shit, but then it stayed. I wasn’t entirely oblivious to the reason, though it didnt hit me that this change could be spiritual & relate to my walk.
I have been learning a lot about walking with God this year. In the fall, I was extremely down. Excited about a new year but when I failed with much outreached and was rejected over and over, I felt completely and absolutely useless… hopeless.
Carrie & I were reading over Walking in Victory then…or just finished… im not sure. Of course, I skimmed the pages, got something out of every chapter but I did not uinderstand this idea of having an identity in God or a significance at all. I had completely convinced myself as a bored high schooler that i was smaller than a sea horse in the big ocean which is.. everyone.
I would express my feelings and my mom would pray for me, this “breaking” i was going through. At first, I was bitter at these words. I was bitter at everything, questioning why me?!? Why do I have to suffer these feelings… no one understands me.
To cut a couple months, a lot of tears and even more regrets out of the time line: I was wrong.
After we read some of Walking in Victory, we started going through the love ethics articles. As we read, my mind had to grasp these totally abstract concepts that I had never heard of before, growing up in a christian home i was very surprised by this. But one thing remained the same, since one of the first sit downs with Carrie, she always brought gratitude to my attention. Encouraging me to have a gratitude journal or think of things I am grateful daily or try to show someone I appreciate them, serve them. 
My mom also took many tries at making us appreciate what we have.  Whenever I pushed and yelled, she would send me to my room to write down ten things I am thankful for. I specifically remember hiding in a corner for a long time with  piece of paper numbered down to ten. When I heard her coming up the stairs, i wrote something like NOT MY MOM on the paper in big purple letters… I hate those kind of memories.
I still have many emotions but they aren’t evil anymore. I can be down but I have an extreme on the other end of the spectrum. And it lasts. My sister said to me yesterday that she sees more sanguine in me than phleg. This wasn’t a huge surprise to me, I expected a change over the past couple of months that I didn’t know what it was. I have been mel/phleg but now, i think i am leaning towards mel/sanguine… Maybe not completely, but I’m so happy. 
Over Florida confirmed my happiness. I had doubts the beginning of the vacation that it wouldnt be as great. then, something that never happened before happened: a voice in my head told me to shove it, I’m here, aren’t I? Enjoy it!

I think my prayers are getting anwered… it is intense.
I am so grateful because I have a lasting significance. I think I may have said this before but I want people to understand the meaning behind those words. Being me, I dont know what I think and I dont know which way is up and down. I drive myself crazy and always end up being the victim. But, when I hear the truth THE TRUTH, it brings me to reality. God’s word pulls me back showing me where I am and what I am to him. I know I am still this fucked up person in this dirty place but I also know how God sees me. How I am his child and how he waits for me to join him in heaven… how amazing is that?
I thought this change was bad at first because I wasn’t feeling all the feelings i usually felt. At first, I had no motivation to write and I was still sucking with outreach… But, i think this is a step I had to take to understand walking with God. It is no longer so… black and white to me. I appreciated the classic beauty… but, now it is colorful. Vibrant and such a beauty I want to stare at it all day but also wan to go out and share it. 

But, it has happened so fast that I don’t know if I should be saying it has happened yet.  

I hope that everyone learns apart of where they stand with God. It is a deep connection of love and grace that I cannot begin to put into words, even with how little I know. It has inspired me to read the Bible instead of Harry Potter, cry for joy rather than self pity and love people, even the annoying ones, rather than spending time alone.

I have to thank my friends for this change. They have been very patient with my crazy personality and their personalities have definitely shown me what it is like to be happy instead of sad the whole time. 

I have to thank my carrie for relentlessly taking my bull and dealing with my thoughts and slowness with such care I didn’t know could come from such a choleric.

I have to forever thank my parents for loving me and how I am. What more can I say other than I love you.

I don’t deserve a body of Christ like this. I like to call them family… You guys look after me so much & Are super inspiring. 

I thank my sister for being my best friend and sharing her struggles with me so I can learn with her. And for letting me cry on her shoulder when I needed her. and all the word vomit.

And of course I am entirely beyond words with how I feel about God, my father. I would be nowhere without you, Lord. 

Thank you

So, i started writing and this is what came out:

“I haven’t written in awhile because I literally haven’t been thinking. I got a new job which is great but I totally functioned out. Someone once told me thatif I were to work, I would feel better. I doubt that person would be reading this so I’m just going to say that I do feel better. The long hours on my feet make are helping me lose weight, that’s always a plus. The opportunity I get to be with so many different people daily is amazing and I get lots of money. So yeah, I feel great! But someone asked me today how I feel. And I honestly didn’t know and made up some bull shit answer. Then as I was thinking, all of these emotions came flooding out that i haven’t touched in two months. So i’m going to type some and you can make what you want out of it.

For one, nothing is the same anymore. I feel like I am sprinting through opportunities and jumping straight over problems that should be solved. There is no rest or break and I feel like I just want to enjoy it while everyone else is 30 seconds ahead of me. Is it really just me? We used to hang out and talk till midnight with nothing planned, just conversation. We used to celebrate eachother and cry into one anothers shoulders. We used to hug eachother-boys and girls-as brothers and sisters, not as crushes and lusts. So what happened? I feel so far away from where I started and where j started isn’t anywhere near where I should have been. It’s so different which is okay. But it’s just so different.

And it might be because they left. They all went on to be adults, looking back at first but now not even a glimpse. And it was fine at first but now I just want to grab them and ask them what do I do? It’s so fdifferent without you here. I never appreciated you fully but now I wish you all were back. And now that I wish it, you wouldn’t dream of it. You look at me like I’m the same emotional child I was. But I’m not psychotic anymore, just crazy. And you are so much older but I can grow up. And you know so much more but I can learn. And sometimes I still expect you guys to care, until I have to remind myself that they have their own problems and that they don’t use Twitter anymore.”

…then i pressed publish and my computer freaked out… so it didn’t publish. thank god. now, i am going to publish my feelings, the ones that are significant.

and to do so, i have to start with this verse:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thankfulness, present your requests to God. phil 4:6

this is my favorite verse right now. my parents were are always throwing it at me and i would never listen,  until i sat down and read it myself. the first time, i was frustrated. i gave my problems to god and nothing happened, right?!

then i gave up and continued freaking out, all by myself, worrying alone. put everything on my back and woe is me.

then i read it again. and i thought again. and i thought again. and i thought again. and i thought maybe, maybe it will work. maybe. and i was like, god

There are times in my life when my heart tells me not to feel. It tugs at every vein and every muscle trying to tell me it’s okay not to feel and it’s okay not to care. And I regret to report that in Elli world, most times I comply to these wishes… To where my heart really is: individualism. Individualism is a belief in the importance of an individual and the virtue of self-reliance and virtual independance, according to the dictionary app on my iPod.
Once one (or maybe in this case just me) so once I submit to this urge, to the pulling and proddings of the individualism, I wallow in self pity. My life becomes everything individualism promised me but flipped… So the opposite. I realize that I feel everything I hate. I get lonely, bitter, jealous and melancholy to the point where all I can see is two feet in front of me and that’s ok. Why? Because it’s ME! And what I thought would be care-free turned into a sandstorm of feeling on everything. It’s true, when I submit I don’t care. I don’t care at all about the important things but on the other hand I care about everything. I care about EVERY FRAKING DETAIL ON EVERY DETAIL OB EVERY DETAIL OF EVERY INSIGNIFICANT FACT. It’s horrible! And this promise I made that it is going to be okay? It’s never okay.

I’ve been to that place many times. I call it Frank because it keeps coming back when I don’t want it to. Frank scares me. He is the epitomy of everything I fear and everything I love rolled into one… But not everything. He makes me feel so superior and so regretful and so hot and so guilty… It’s heartbreaking. It’s also a law. Frank is scary. I mean what if I get stuck with frank?? What if one day I go out and never come back? Frank wouldn’t care. He would just make up more lies to keep me satisfied. And I would tie a blind fold over my eyes so I wouldn’t see all the rubble and destruction I would leave behind. Would anyone be able to get me? …Frank would then say: would anyone even try? I would say no and keep walking with him blindly and lovely.

Frank scares me sometimes but I can’t blame frank. I tried blaming others but that just made me closer to Frank.
It’s a dark an depressing thing, I am. It’s the truth. I’m dark and I walk blindly… I am melancholy and I am weak. I am hopeless and a materialist. I am an individualist. I am individualism.

No I’m not. I was all of that and a huge bag of chips. Sometimes I convince myself I still am that way. I want what I want and I need what I want to be who I am. And when I start saying my name is frank… That’s when I turn my head to see a huge gray bloody rabbit whispering in my ear that I could be so much more….

Who am I?

I remember who I am. I know! As you have seen above, I thought I had it down. I’m elli and I’m smelly. I’m the shit and I’m the wit. I’m blood and I am guts.

Doesn’t this just scream teen angst? I should write songs, everyone would buy them

but I’m not that! No, I remember being reborn. I remember leaving all of that even if it is only a few inches to be what I am today.

So who am I?

I know who I am. I am a light of the world (Matthew 5:14) I don’t have to walk through these sharp ridges so blind, I have a Father that leads me an shields me (John 1:12). I may not be the shit here, but there is someone who can keep up with my mood swings and temper yet still thinks me a saint (col. 1:2). I’m not always going to fit in this world but that is because This is not my home, I don’t belong here (1 Peter 2:11). And best of all, I am the friend of someone who knows unconditional love and someone who is with me always. I am friends with an almighty king that does not reign terror whenever I go astray but sheds tears because I know He will miss me! Who am I? I am Christ’s frond (John 15:15).

No matter where I go with Frank, there is a light out of the corner of my eye that reminds me of who I really am. Though I may try to cover it, it’s always there.
I’m going to try and live on my own. I’m going to fail. I’m going to love the world… But I am a new somebody. I know I can walk away from that past because that isn’t me anymore. God reassured me that he is here. He shows ne everyday with such amazing relationships he has given me. He shines through in the smiles of my sisters Erin and Anele, in my best friends Adi and Asta, in my most caring parents, and in my loyal comrade in crime Katie. He shows his love through Carrie who teaches me how to be like Him. He shows his compassion through Adam and Jordan who put up with me no matter how annoying or hard headed I get. He shows his humor and joy through those funny ladies Brooke, Brandi, Jessie and Catie… He has given me the body who show just a fraction of his sacrifice but is still enough to overwhelm any person. He gives us love which is a warm blanket no one can refuse on days like these.

He has given me so much. So much. I’m just a silly girl. Not to him. To him I am I daughter. And a spoiled one at that. Today I said bye to Frank because I found-AGAIN-a significance that lasts and that loves me no matter what. I’m going to love God, too. I may not be worthy but he made me have purpose and gave me light. He gave me a life worth living… Thank you, Lord. Thank you thank you thank you!
I love you and I need you and I’m sorry for the pain I have caused you. Please help me love people the way you do and show me where to go! I am excited for your will to be done and amazed you have chosen me to work through! There’s no way I can repay you but giving my life to you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do so!

I honestly don’t know why I wrote that down but i’m going to keep it. The point is that the lord has freed me from all that I was. He has given me opportunity and a chance if successful life. Sometimes I am blind and foolish butcher forgives me. And I forget and it hapend again. But love brings me back and his love holds me and… It’s what I live for.
I didn’t really have a point when I started writing today but that’s a damn good one so we are going to keep it

what the lord has done with me…

someday, i’m going to publish everything I have ever written and I will be the most hated person in the world! Oh my mind. How I hate thee.

About a week ago, I think, I was telling one of my great friends that I am never going to be “ok” in answer to an innocent question: Are you okay? Well, now that is kind of embarrassing… I’m such a drama queen.

But, a couple of days ago I found myself thinking I am happy now but i am always going to be sad. I stopped myself as I thought of what the hell I was thinking… And I remembered what my mom said once again. Sometimes, when I was acting too angry or being a grinch, my mom would tell me i was being irrational and that this was my choice to be this way. I would storm out thinkinhg that i was perfectly rational for acting this way because I couldn’t control how I felt!

Well, I think one thing 2009 brought was that that wasn’t rational at all… because I can choose to be happy and I can choose to be mad. And I feel so free.

I changed the thought: I will always be happy. I may be sad now, there are many things that make me sad, but I have a true joy in me that burns so bright that I feel I have no reason to be sad ever.  It’s a true love that I would do anything for. I want to share it with everyone! So there is no cold again.

I can choose to be joyful, to love people, to be productive and to spread the Word… it’s all free will, and it is so beautiful!

Then, I was watching battlestar galactica (for those of you who haven’t gotten this far yet, I will try to be as vague as I can) where one cylon was angry for being so human… but it didnt faze the other as she said that free will is the greatest thing. HAH cylon! they are pretty smart little shits. No lie.

i just felt I had to share that because I am choosing to share it because I am choosing to be happy

That fire that they call love can’t go out. Sometimes it is hidden and it’s true, the real love is scarce. But the love is strong even in the weak. And that love has gone through so much to get to the enslaved, and to show a path of freedom through the flames, all for the evil. What a great love!
Thank the Lord,
Merry Christmas!

“this is real, this is me, I’m exactly where i’m supposed to be…”

For school, actually for our school newspaper, I am writing a feature story on the porn debaters, Craig Gross and Ron Jeremy. It is a feature so I decided to fill it with information about what Gross’s overall goal is. I think this quote explains it…

“We’re trying to reach a new audience and so we can’t just do things like our parents did, like the generation did before us,” Craig Gross.

So, his objective is basically the same as ours. But, that is not the point. The point is that this quote came from an abc news article titled “Does ‘Jesus Loves Porn Stars’ Bible Go Too Far?” In the context, the quote is used to explain why he ordered the porn star Bibles. Beforehand, the article refers to how the American Bible Society refused to print Gross’s Bibles because they are “out of a sense of propriety” and the “wording… was misleading and inappropriate.”

Immediately after Gross’s quote, ABC quotes the president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, Albert Mohler. “These younger guys seem to say that older evangelicalism is just out of touch,” Mohler said. “In a rush to be relevant I think these guys have crossed a line that I would not cross and i would not commit.” Soo… From what I am getting, he is saying he is against the Jesus Loves Porn Stars Bible. 

And this is where my opinion comes in… Now, when I read about the American Bible Society (let’s call them ABS ) and Mohler’s view one main thing popped into my head: they are basically saying Jesus doesn’t love people who sin as much as porn stars. 

Now, this kind of makes my head hurt thinking about it (i’m taking this medicine that gives me headaches already plus whenever I look at the high school, I think I may die of such a head pulse. but that’ not the point) because at the begining of the article–before ABS & Mohler–ABC News quoted Matthew 18:19 and started with “Christians agree that the Bible commands them to ‘go and make disciples of all nations’ and that Jesus ‘came to invite all sinners’ to be his followers and ‘save people who are lost.’”

If you have not already figured out my point, my question is if these people are christians who read, preach and follow God’s word, HOW would they come to the conclusion that it isn’t okay to reach out to people like porn stars? 

There was a comment I really admire on this article that doesn’t say it better. Basically, he says Jesus ate with tax collectors and sinners… he would visit people whether they were prostitutes or an average person. 

I really admire Craig Gross’s work, his faith and his attitude towards all of this. (He posts hate mail on his website–from christians and non–lol.) I would be so frustrated! Like in the last homechurch teaching I taught, it said how God worked through Paul to give compassion to a demon possessed girl, God’s enemy… and when I talk to people about God and they say that they aren’t worthy of Him, I’m just so surprised like I was at these quotes, you know? There could be a lot of reasons as to why people grow up thinking that God’s grace doesn’t reach them. But, the reason to why people think God only loves them and no one on such low a level as porn stars, that just stumps me. I see no reason… But, I could be wrong.

If anything, I would be more surprised that God gives grace to people who think so that others aren’t interested, aren’t worthy or are too hopeless to be reached out to…. Well, that statement could totally back fire on me. But, I’m gunna leave it.

So, thats something I found interesting.

thought i should start posting what i write… this is just the beginningggg…

The 2009 NeoXenos baptisms, held Sunday, September 13, began with a potluck and proceeded to the beach for individuals’ testimonies. Neil Brooks explained the symbolism of water baptism. Then fourteen people being baptized proclaimed how Christ’s power changed them.

Adam, a high school senior, spoke of his Christian home life and how he accepted Christ at an early age. But he started doing drugs and trying to control his friends. After Adam met people from Word, the high school group, he soon became interested in following God and now wants to lead others to experience God’s love.

 Asta, Rachel, Mandy, Mike and Jim also experienced some knowledge of Christ in their home.

Jim Watson had the wrong idea of what God wanted. He was taught that non-Christians were bad. He read Galatians and could not believe he worked so hard when God’s grace forgives all. After that, he knew he was wrong and started a real relationship with God.

Mike was raised Catholic and went to a private school. His Bible teacher showed him the way to have a relationship with God. But he became a “dormant Christian” and made bad decisions. God worked through Mike’s daughter Shelly to show him the depth of her Christian friendships. Now Mike is “happy to know I’m going somewhere and I’m happy to know I’m not going alone.”

Mandy asked for salvation ten years ago. She thought God wanted her to be a good person while living a comfortable life. She began to wonder, “Is there much significance in my life?” She understood she was sinful and decided to have a personal relationship with God after realizing, “He already forgave me!” She’s learned God won’t finish working on her “until the day I die!”

At eight years old, Rachel accepted Christ. She was made fun of, became bitter and started doubting God’s love. After some difficult disappointments she came to a Bible study with Charlotte and Leah. She started building friendships as her relationship with God grew. Now she’s serving others and inviting people to see what she experienced.

Asta grew up in Xenos. She believed since she went to church, she would go to heaven. During middle school she was fearful and desperate to please people. And with her sisters she acted selfishly. At summer camp she heard a teaching about self image and realized she should “not fear for God is always there.” She became bolder after deciding to follow God, and has led many friends to know Jesus.

Emil was lost in every sense while living as his own god, but it left him empty. Then Jeremiah and Michael asked if he had a personal relationship with God. He didn’t know what they meant  until he read John 3:20: “For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.” Life became a lot more peaceful after starting a relationship with God, and his other relationships have benefited too.

At 15, Liz deemed her life worthless. She struggled with depression and was constantly in and out of the hospital. She became involved in men, drugs and cutting. Finally she asked God for help and for Jesus’ death to count for her sins.  “I’m worth something! I’m worth everything to him!” she exclaimed. She is learning to depend only on God for her significance.

Eleni, Doug and Laura had religious backgrounds before accepting Christ.

Laura and Doug grew up Catholic. Laura “knew He was there on Sundays.” She tried to be a good person and after hearing about God’s grace as an adult, she was afraid to accept it because she thought it might be a sin.  Nicole assured her it wasn’t, and Laura asked God for His free gift.  Since then her relationships have deepened as she became more open through God’s grace.

Doug was raised Catholic but stopped going to his family’s church in his teens. Later on, his wife Lisa started going to Xenos meetings. Lisa invited him for a year, along with Rick, and Doug finally agreed to go. At his first Bible study, he felt like Keith was talking right to him. Doug became a Christian after learning more about the Bible. Doug is excited to learn more but says God’s grace was the most important truth to learn.

Eleni grew up with a big Greek family in a big Greek orthodox church. She left the church because she did not understand it. Her father verbally abused her and her college scholarship fell through after an injury. Eleni then looked to men for love, but was raped while still mourning the death of a family member. She met Kate on her first day at Kent State. Kate pushed her to think about her life, eventually leading her  to pray to receive Christ. Eleni says she cannot do anything without God.

Matt started his story as an agnostic Darwinist. He was rebellious, depressed and empty. One day, after a period of partying, his girlfriend invited him to a Bible study. He went and got answers to his hard questions about how God and science could coincide. The love of the fellowship shocked him. He received Christ during Labor Day camping. Matt has learned what true joy is through loving and serving others. “It’s not something you find in the world,” he observed.

Dave was raised Catholic but turned to Wicca. He loved to argue about Christianity, even after coming to a Bible study with his girlfriend, a new believer. The teachings seemed oddly relevant to his life. Then everything started going downhill. He finally gave in and accepted Christ’s payment for his sin. “The love was weird but the more I saw, the more it made sense,” he said about Christian community. “People started serving me, and the weird thing was that I wanted to serve them.”

Trisha recalls eight years ago when God started working in her life, but she became bitter since then. She went home church just to make friends, but the Bible teachings caught her attention.  Then she heard Evan’s testimony at a Bible study and wanted to find out how to become a Christian. She talked to Jackie and prayed to receive Christ in a restaurant booth. Jackie told how Trisha wanted “to do this so I can benefit other people,” and Trisha knew she could only do this through God.

The day ended after 14 brothers and sisters emerged from the water, demonstrating both unity and diversity in the Body of Christ. From married people to high school students, God works in uniquely personal ways while bringing people together under his grace.