So, i started writing and this is what came out:

“I haven’t written in awhile because I literally haven’t been thinking. I got a new job which is great but I totally functioned out. Someone once told me thatif I were to work, I would feel better. I doubt that person would be reading this so I’m just going to say that I do feel better. The long hours on my feet make are helping me lose weight, that’s always a plus. The opportunity I get to be with so many different people daily is amazing and I get lots of money. So yeah, I feel great! But someone asked me today how I feel. And I honestly didn’t know and made up some bull shit answer. Then as I was thinking, all of these emotions came flooding out that i haven’t touched in two months. So i’m going to type some and you can make what you want out of it.

For one, nothing is the same anymore. I feel like I am sprinting through opportunities and jumping straight over problems that should be solved. There is no rest or break and I feel like I just want to enjoy it while everyone else is 30 seconds ahead of me. Is it really just me? We used to hang out and talk till midnight with nothing planned, just conversation. We used to celebrate eachother and cry into one anothers shoulders. We used to hug eachother-boys and girls-as brothers and sisters, not as crushes and lusts. So what happened? I feel so far away from where I started and where j started isn’t anywhere near where I should have been. It’s so different which is okay. But it’s just so different.

And it might be because they left. They all went on to be adults, looking back at first but now not even a glimpse. And it was fine at first but now I just want to grab them and ask them what do I do? It’s so fdifferent without you here. I never appreciated you fully but now I wish you all were back. And now that I wish it, you wouldn’t dream of it. You look at me like I’m the same emotional child I was. But I’m not psychotic anymore, just crazy. And you are so much older but I can grow up. And you know so much more but I can learn. And sometimes I still expect you guys to care, until I have to remind myself that they have their own problems and that they don’t use Twitter anymore.”

…then i pressed publish and my computer freaked out… so it didn’t publish. thank god. now, i am going to publish my feelings, the ones that are significant.

and to do so, i have to start with this verse:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thankfulness, present your requests to God. phil 4:6

this is my favorite verse right now. my parents were are always throwing it at me and i would never listen,  until i sat down and read it myself. the first time, i was frustrated. i gave my problems to god and nothing happened, right?!

then i gave up and continued freaking out, all by myself, worrying alone. put everything on my back and woe is me.

then i read it again. and i thought again. and i thought again. and i thought again. and i thought maybe, maybe it will work. maybe. and i was like, god

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There are times in my life when my heart tells me not to feel. It tugs at every vein and every muscle trying to tell me it’s okay not to feel and it’s okay not to care. And I regret to report that in Elli world, most times I comply to these wishes… To where my heart really is: individualism. Individualism is a belief in the importance of an individual and the virtue of self-reliance and virtual independance, according to the dictionary app on my iPod.
Once one (or maybe in this case just me) so once I submit to this urge, to the pulling and proddings of the individualism, I wallow in self pity. My life becomes everything individualism promised me but flipped… So the opposite. I realize that I feel everything I hate. I get lonely, bitter, jealous and melancholy to the point where all I can see is two feet in front of me and that’s ok. Why? Because it’s ME! And what I thought would be care-free turned into a sandstorm of feeling on everything. It’s true, when I submit I don’t care. I don’t care at all about the important things but on the other hand I care about everything. I care about EVERY FRAKING DETAIL ON EVERY DETAIL OB EVERY DETAIL OF EVERY INSIGNIFICANT FACT. It’s horrible! And this promise I made that it is going to be okay? It’s never okay.

I’ve been to that place many times. I call it Frank because it keeps coming back when I don’t want it to. Frank scares me. He is the epitomy of everything I fear and everything I love rolled into one… But not everything. He makes me feel so superior and so regretful and so hot and so guilty… It’s heartbreaking. It’s also a law. Frank is scary. I mean what if I get stuck with frank?? What if one day I go out and never come back? Frank wouldn’t care. He would just make up more lies to keep me satisfied. And I would tie a blind fold over my eyes so I wouldn’t see all the rubble and destruction I would leave behind. Would anyone be able to get me? …Frank would then say: would anyone even try? I would say no and keep walking with him blindly and lovely.

Frank scares me sometimes but I can’t blame frank. I tried blaming others but that just made me closer to Frank.
It’s a dark an depressing thing, I am. It’s the truth. I’m dark and I walk blindly… I am melancholy and I am weak. I am hopeless and a materialist. I am an individualist. I am individualism.

No I’m not. I was all of that and a huge bag of chips. Sometimes I convince myself I still am that way. I want what I want and I need what I want to be who I am. And when I start saying my name is frank… That’s when I turn my head to see a huge gray bloody rabbit whispering in my ear that I could be so much more….

Who am I?

I remember who I am. I know! As you have seen above, I thought I had it down. I’m elli and I’m smelly. I’m the shit and I’m the wit. I’m blood and I am guts.

Doesn’t this just scream teen angst? I should write songs, everyone would buy them

but I’m not that! No, I remember being reborn. I remember leaving all of that even if it is only a few inches to be what I am today.

So who am I?

I know who I am. I am a light of the world (Matthew 5:14) I don’t have to walk through these sharp ridges so blind, I have a Father that leads me an shields me (John 1:12). I may not be the shit here, but there is someone who can keep up with my mood swings and temper yet still thinks me a saint (col. 1:2). I’m not always going to fit in this world but that is because This is not my home, I don’t belong here (1 Peter 2:11). And best of all, I am the friend of someone who knows unconditional love and someone who is with me always. I am friends with an almighty king that does not reign terror whenever I go astray but sheds tears because I know He will miss me! Who am I? I am Christ’s frond (John 15:15).

No matter where I go with Frank, there is a light out of the corner of my eye that reminds me of who I really am. Though I may try to cover it, it’s always there.
I’m going to try and live on my own. I’m going to fail. I’m going to love the world… But I am a new somebody. I know I can walk away from that past because that isn’t me anymore. God reassured me that he is here. He shows ne everyday with such amazing relationships he has given me. He shines through in the smiles of my sisters Erin and Anele, in my best friends Adi and Asta, in my most caring parents, and in my loyal comrade in crime Katie. He shows his love through Carrie who teaches me how to be like Him. He shows his compassion through Adam and Jordan who put up with me no matter how annoying or hard headed I get. He shows his humor and joy through those funny ladies Brooke, Brandi, Jessie and Catie… He has given me the body who show just a fraction of his sacrifice but is still enough to overwhelm any person. He gives us love which is a warm blanket no one can refuse on days like these.

He has given me so much. So much. I’m just a silly girl. Not to him. To him I am I daughter. And a spoiled one at that. Today I said bye to Frank because I found-AGAIN-a significance that lasts and that loves me no matter what. I’m going to love God, too. I may not be worthy but he made me have purpose and gave me light. He gave me a life worth living… Thank you, Lord. Thank you thank you thank you!
I love you and I need you and I’m sorry for the pain I have caused you. Please help me love people the way you do and show me where to go! I am excited for your will to be done and amazed you have chosen me to work through! There’s no way I can repay you but giving my life to you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do so!

I honestly don’t know why I wrote that down but i’m going to keep it. The point is that the lord has freed me from all that I was. He has given me opportunity and a chance if successful life. Sometimes I am blind and foolish butcher forgives me. And I forget and it hapend again. But love brings me back and his love holds me and… It’s what I live for.
I didn’t really have a point when I started writing today but that’s a damn good one so we are going to keep it

what the lord has done with me…

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someday, i’m going to publish everything I have ever written and I will be the most hated person in the world! Oh my mind. How I hate thee.

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About a week ago, I think, I was telling one of my great friends that I am never going to be “ok” in answer to an innocent question: Are you okay? Well, now that is kind of embarrassing… I’m such a drama queen.

But, a couple of days ago I found myself thinking I am happy now but i am always going to be sad. I stopped myself as I thought of what the hell I was thinking… And I remembered what my mom said once again. Sometimes, when I was acting too angry or being a grinch, my mom would tell me i was being irrational and that this was my choice to be this way. I would storm out thinkinhg that i was perfectly rational for acting this way because I couldn’t control how I felt!

Well, I think one thing 2009 brought was that that wasn’t rational at all… because I can choose to be happy and I can choose to be mad. And I feel so free.

I changed the thought: I will always be happy. I may be sad now, there are many things that make me sad, but I have a true joy in me that burns so bright that I feel I have no reason to be sad ever.  It’s a true love that I would do anything for. I want to share it with everyone! So there is no cold again.

I can choose to be joyful, to love people, to be productive and to spread the Word… it’s all free will, and it is so beautiful!

Then, I was watching battlestar galactica (for those of you who haven’t gotten this far yet, I will try to be as vague as I can) where one cylon was angry for being so human… but it didnt faze the other as she said that free will is the greatest thing. HAH cylon! they are pretty smart little shits. No lie.

i just felt I had to share that because I am choosing to share it because I am choosing to be happy

That fire that they call love can’t go out. Sometimes it is hidden and it’s true, the real love is scarce. But the love is strong even in the weak. And that love has gone through so much to get to the enslaved, and to show a path of freedom through the flames, all for the evil. What a great love!
Thank the Lord,
Merry Christmas!

“this is real, this is me, I’m exactly where i’m supposed to be…”

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For school, actually for our school newspaper, I am writing a feature story on the porn debaters, Craig Gross and Ron Jeremy. It is a feature so I decided to fill it with information about what Gross’s overall goal is. I think this quote explains it…

“We’re trying to reach a new audience and so we can’t just do things like our parents did, like the generation did before us,” Craig Gross.

So, his objective is basically the same as ours. But, that is not the point. The point is that this quote came from an abc news article titled “Does ‘Jesus Loves Porn Stars’ Bible Go Too Far?” In the context, the quote is used to explain why he ordered the porn star Bibles. Beforehand, the article refers to how the American Bible Society refused to print Gross’s Bibles because they are “out of a sense of propriety” and the “wording… was misleading and inappropriate.”

Immediately after Gross’s quote, ABC quotes the president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, Albert Mohler. “These younger guys seem to say that older evangelicalism is just out of touch,” Mohler said. “In a rush to be relevant I think these guys have crossed a line that I would not cross and i would not commit.” Soo… From what I am getting, he is saying he is against the Jesus Loves Porn Stars Bible. 

And this is where my opinion comes in… Now, when I read about the American Bible Society (let’s call them ABS ) and Mohler’s view one main thing popped into my head: they are basically saying Jesus doesn’t love people who sin as much as porn stars. 

Now, this kind of makes my head hurt thinking about it (i’m taking this medicine that gives me headaches already plus whenever I look at the high school, I think I may die of such a head pulse. but that’ not the point) because at the begining of the article–before ABS & Mohler–ABC News quoted Matthew 18:19 and started with “Christians agree that the Bible commands them to ‘go and make disciples of all nations’ and that Jesus ‘came to invite all sinners’ to be his followers and ’save people who are lost.’”

If you have not already figured out my point, my question is if these people are christians who read, preach and follow God’s word, HOW would they come to the conclusion that it isn’t okay to reach out to people like porn stars? 

There was a comment I really admire on this article that doesn’t say it better. Basically, he says Jesus ate with tax collectors and sinners… he would visit people whether they were prostitutes or an average person. 

I really admire Craig Gross’s work, his faith and his attitude towards all of this. (He posts hate mail on his website–from christians and non–lol.) I would be so frustrated! Like in the last homechurch teaching I taught, it said how God worked through Paul to give compassion to a demon possessed girl, God’s enemy… and when I talk to people about God and they say that they aren’t worthy of Him, I’m just so surprised like I was at these quotes, you know? There could be a lot of reasons as to why people grow up thinking that God’s grace doesn’t reach them. But, the reason to why people think God only loves them and no one on such low a level as porn stars, that just stumps me. I see no reason… But, I could be wrong.

If anything, I would be more surprised that God gives grace to people who think so that others aren’t interested, aren’t worthy or are too hopeless to be reached out to…. Well, that statement could totally back fire on me. But, I’m gunna leave it.

So, thats something I found interesting.

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thought i should start posting what i write… this is just the beginningggg…

The 2009 NeoXenos baptisms, held Sunday, September 13, began with a potluck and proceeded to the beach for individuals’ testimonies. Neil Brooks explained the symbolism of water baptism. Then fourteen people being baptized proclaimed how Christ’s power changed them.

Adam, a high school senior, spoke of his Christian home life and how he accepted Christ at an early age. But he started doing drugs and trying to control his friends. After Adam met people from Word, the high school group, he soon became interested in following God and now wants to lead others to experience God’s love.

 Asta, Rachel, Mandy, Mike and Jim also experienced some knowledge of Christ in their home.

Jim Watson had the wrong idea of what God wanted. He was taught that non-Christians were bad. He read Galatians and could not believe he worked so hard when God’s grace forgives all. After that, he knew he was wrong and started a real relationship with God.

Mike was raised Catholic and went to a private school. His Bible teacher showed him the way to have a relationship with God. But he became a “dormant Christian” and made bad decisions. God worked through Mike’s daughter Shelly to show him the depth of her Christian friendships. Now Mike is “happy to know I’m going somewhere and I’m happy to know I’m not going alone.”

Mandy asked for salvation ten years ago. She thought God wanted her to be a good person while living a comfortable life. She began to wonder, “Is there much significance in my life?” She understood she was sinful and decided to have a personal relationship with God after realizing, “He already forgave me!” She’s learned God won’t finish working on her “until the day I die!”

At eight years old, Rachel accepted Christ. She was made fun of, became bitter and started doubting God’s love. After some difficult disappointments she came to a Bible study with Charlotte and Leah. She started building friendships as her relationship with God grew. Now she’s serving others and inviting people to see what she experienced.

Asta grew up in Xenos. She believed since she went to church, she would go to heaven. During middle school she was fearful and desperate to please people. And with her sisters she acted selfishly. At summer camp she heard a teaching about self image and realized she should “not fear for God is always there.” She became bolder after deciding to follow God, and has led many friends to know Jesus.

Emil was lost in every sense while living as his own god, but it left him empty. Then Jeremiah and Michael asked if he had a personal relationship with God. He didn’t know what they meant  until he read John 3:20: “For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.” Life became a lot more peaceful after starting a relationship with God, and his other relationships have benefited too.

At 15, Liz deemed her life worthless. She struggled with depression and was constantly in and out of the hospital. She became involved in men, drugs and cutting. Finally she asked God for help and for Jesus’ death to count for her sins.  “I’m worth something! I’m worth everything to him!” she exclaimed. She is learning to depend only on God for her significance.

Eleni, Doug and Laura had religious backgrounds before accepting Christ.

Laura and Doug grew up Catholic. Laura “knew He was there on Sundays.” She tried to be a good person and after hearing about God’s grace as an adult, she was afraid to accept it because she thought it might be a sin.  Nicole assured her it wasn’t, and Laura asked God for His free gift.  Since then her relationships have deepened as she became more open through God’s grace.

Doug was raised Catholic but stopped going to his family’s church in his teens. Later on, his wife Lisa started going to Xenos meetings. Lisa invited him for a year, along with Rick, and Doug finally agreed to go. At his first Bible study, he felt like Keith was talking right to him. Doug became a Christian after learning more about the Bible. Doug is excited to learn more but says God’s grace was the most important truth to learn.

Eleni grew up with a big Greek family in a big Greek orthodox church. She left the church because she did not understand it. Her father verbally abused her and her college scholarship fell through after an injury. Eleni then looked to men for love, but was raped while still mourning the death of a family member. She met Kate on her first day at Kent State. Kate pushed her to think about her life, eventually leading her  to pray to receive Christ. Eleni says she cannot do anything without God.

Matt started his story as an agnostic Darwinist. He was rebellious, depressed and empty. One day, after a period of partying, his girlfriend invited him to a Bible study. He went and got answers to his hard questions about how God and science could coincide. The love of the fellowship shocked him. He received Christ during Labor Day camping. Matt has learned what true joy is through loving and serving others. “It’s not something you find in the world,” he observed.

Dave was raised Catholic but turned to Wicca. He loved to argue about Christianity, even after coming to a Bible study with his girlfriend, a new believer. The teachings seemed oddly relevant to his life. Then everything started going downhill. He finally gave in and accepted Christ’s payment for his sin. “The love was weird but the more I saw, the more it made sense,” he said about Christian community. “People started serving me, and the weird thing was that I wanted to serve them.”

Trisha recalls eight years ago when God started working in her life, but she became bitter since then. She went home church just to make friends, but the Bible teachings caught her attention.  Then she heard Evan’s testimony at a Bible study and wanted to find out how to become a Christian. She talked to Jackie and prayed to receive Christ in a restaurant booth. Jackie told how Trisha wanted “to do this so I can benefit other people,” and Trisha knew she could only do this through God.

The day ended after 14 brothers and sisters emerged from the water, demonstrating both unity and diversity in the Body of Christ. From married people to high school students, God works in uniquely personal ways while bringing people together under his grace.

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Oh and I’m gunna decide to be happy

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Where I’m at right now is actually quite relaxing. I’m sitting at a computer facing a window that opens to the field in front of the high school. The frosty grounds are no stranger but I cannot help feel intimidated by the vast emptiness of it. The truth is, I can’t like it because it’s school. I want to get out of here, now. And I might have a chance! Stow offers an option to take college classes in your senior year of high school. Most kids take this because it is free so it saves money in college. I would go because I hate high school. Yeah, I would still be in high school but not all day, just a couple classes. One of my main concerns is that I just won’t be able to keep up. I’m not the brightest student and don’t really know what it is going to be like. Other than that, I’ve had a lot of encouragement to go for it… But then, what if it isn’t what is good for Word? I have no idea and feel a little anxious about it. I have been praying and am so anxious for an answer… Haha that’s not even right. I want to grow up. But I don’t. Pretty mature right? Lol.
In other news… there is so much. School wise, I have been trying to do better, pumping out good grades so I will be prepared for post secondary if it happens. I have a feeling I’m not going to know for a while. Also, Word is going through some drastic changes. Basically, the adults are stepping back and students are stepping up. We are taking over the forums, schedules, teachings and activities. This step has the potential to make us very unified. To make that happen, I think it requires much prayer, from everyone. And as of right now, I don’t think that’s happening. People seem to be dying to be right and have it their way. I might be wrong but it is just the feeling I get when we meet, independent. So, if you’re reading this, please pray for Word. J
Another thing I have been thinking about is trying to be compassionate with people. I tried this before but I, as predicted, failed. But lately, I have been asking God to show me how to love people. I don’t think I’m loving people as much as I should but it has been a cool experience to be going to God about it. There really isn’t any excuse for me now, haha, so I guess I should start working on it.
So, that is a little in the life of Elli. It’s pretty cool I guess. A little lonely when I decide to be… but “we’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love – we’ll give it a shot!” OOOoooOooOooooOOOOoOoooooOOhhhhhHhhHhHHhhh yeah.

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“Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return, but knowing that some would be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows. Swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?”

That is from One Tree Hill season 3… they used it in the school shooting episode. Our school isn’t going through a school shooting… But it is going through something. Its a terrible thing but at the same time, I hope it lasts longer than a couple days.
Young suicides are tragic. That isn’t an opinion. I cried when I heard and I didn’t know the 10th grader Brian who shot himself. But it happened… And its sad. There is nothing to deny its a tragedy. It happened yesterday after school. At 4:00. He was at home. Where were you? It sounds like he didn’t tell anyone what he planned to do. He was actually talking to a girl saying how he would never see her again… she told him to stop saying that. His myspace page read I just want to sleep forever.
What I want to know is why he did it? Why could someone with so many friends and a personality feel that way?
On the R.I.P. group on facebook, a girl describes how she heard the sirens down her street and saw his mother’s face and her body collapse after running onto the front lawn.
Maybe it was family problems, I don’t know… But i wore black today because it isn’t natural and because I wish people would realize that this is going to happen again. Is it your name?
When I hear people laugh, I feel guilty. When I see classmates crying, I feel guilty.
I feel like its a big deal. But, not all people do! I feel like time should stop… What happened to us? It isn’t supposed to be this way…
…What I want is for everyone to see that we are all fucked.
Its a sad day today, but its going to happen again.
Please keep his family and friends in your prayers…

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“Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do,
I still feel you here till the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
but to drown in your love
and not feel your rein…”

Gravity…

This summer, I learned a few things. One of which was that I am bound to my flesh, no matter what I think. I knew this. But I just really learned it.
When one is saved, Jesus frees em right?
But I learned my intentions and my instinct, mind, and reason is telling me something completely different.

Let us back track a little…
I have never been able to control emotion. This is one way I am severely immature. I still never ever actually know what I am feeling. And I hate it. I try so hard to figure out what the hell I am thinking and why? At first I thought it wasn’t my fault. That it wasn’t me… But it all comes from somewhere right?

With all my pleasure, pampering and… well princess practices I have gained from being born into a christian home, I take advantage of it so often. And that, I think, is what happened this summer. I became rebellious, over-looking WHY I have what i really do have…

About a month ago, I started having many doubts. And I did NOT want to admit it. My doubts were mainly about me… big surprise… and why the fuck do I need to be changing how I act every other week. (Thats a big hint right there.)

So, here is a journal entry I wrote on Saturday, August 22.

A Multitude of Semicolons

Lately, I have had a lot of thoughts. Weird ones. Ones that I never thought I would have thunk.
I started with one thought. The thought of why the hell does keith talk people down? An example of what I’m thinking: I’m a princess. I know. A big one. But, I’m always going to be a princess… right?

So this is the weird thoughts I had: why try to change if I ain’t gunna do it?

Yeah, it was rebellious… But I think it was more out of frustration. How could I live with myself even if I conquered being a princess? There is always going to be SOMETHING that is WRONG. So why would I WANT to try… why would I want to change?

And, of course, these thoughts strung together leading to the most ridiculous thing I ever did think: why would I want to learn about God… how is this going to help me if I’m never going to change?

I’m not lying here… I considered it… and I look back ashamed. How could I think it? How could I hold that stupid thought as an option?

As I said, this was recently. But, now that I think about it… it has been building up. A feeling of frustration, rebellion and anger led to this… I think. And it all came together to form a bitter shell. A wrap around my skin that deflected anyone that pushed me (anything I didn’t want)… So basically my parents, prayer, discipleship… the thing is, I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t realize my lack of faith. Well, I did… I tried to turn around and love my mother and read the love ethics articles but I couldn’t… I told mysef to go do what my mom said and read SRTL like dad suggested… But I couldn’t do it; until now. 

So, what lead me to this realization of my fucked up thoughts? Everything. Everything built up over the last week… cell group, discipleship, BOW spa night, vacation… lack of prayer… How could i be s stupid? lazy? selfish? proud? …I don’t know. That’s the way I am and the way I have tried to be for so long.

But now, I don’t want to be that way. I don’t want to be that way! I hate being the one who is the bitch. The bad one. the slacker. The un-spiritual wimp who just won’t budge. And these thoughts: I hate them! I hate myself for thinking them! But, I know I am not going to change.

This is the lesson I learned: I am not going to change… No matter how hard I try. It isn’t me.

It’s God. He is going to change me. And I have to be willing.

I wasn’t willing. Still kinda struggling. But, I realize I didn’t want Him to…

So that’s my conclusion… and, if I am right, I’m going to get right on it.

So, that is what I went through. I still feel it a little. I told me family on family night and even just telling someone I felt a little better….

But, seeing as though I am in school, I’ve got things to do, people to see and apologies to organize… Though I could write forever. LUNCH TIME!

“If there is no God, there is no reason… I will party.” Markle (describing his middle school conclusions @ the chill meeting.)
LOL.

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