today was the last day of south street. very fun yet sad :(((((
SO from the kids i know the names of, i shall describe to you the different personalities and how much i love ll of them.. which is a lot:
Gary and Taymar
GARY:
gary may be one of the best (if not the best) behaved kid there. He is a smart thinkin guy and is always the one paying the most attention to the teacher. If Antonio acts up all Gary has to do is say Tone, calm down. and Toni stops! hes kind of really quiet but comes off as a tough guy but is really sweet. Adi is in love with this kid. hes gunna be the next CJ.
TAYMAR:
the biggest sanguine kid which is so funny and sweet and… oh jeeze. how could you not love this big ball of energy? short attention span, maybe, but he has a huge heart. and he loves chloe, and its really funny. from his dance moves to his smile, he is awesome!! 
Sarah
SARAH:
this was the first girl i talked to on my first day. I have to admit, i was pretty nervous and she walked right up to me “whatchor name?”
it was pretty cute. Since then, everytime i see her she tells me how much i look like Adi:) we definitely soulja boii ed it up at the rollerskating party. she does seem to dance a lot… like me She will flirt with anyone.
Jaquana
JAQUANA:
She is another big personality. i dont know how to explain her exactly. I never saw her get into a fight, but then again that could just be me. She is often singing or dancing and her voice projects very loud so everyone always hears her. She is all around fun to be around!!
Antonio
and of course: ANTONIO:
tone is by far one of the most difficult and sweet kids there. Difficult overules. he is probably right next to j’veon (i have a soft spot for J.) He is usually the one to start the fights and, when alone, (from my experience) he is very pleasant to talk to. pretty arrogant and proud, he flirts with sarah and dominique… A LOT. whatever Adi says, he is one of my favorites with his soft spot that shows once in awhile. I love this kid.
J’VEON:
i know i didnt want to pick a favorite BUT J is AWESOME!!! He is pretty bad behaved but hes funny and such a big personality for a little kid. (for you cavs fans; imagine Daniel Gibson w/o a mustache and younger with bigger eyes. he even has a shape shaved into the side of his hair.) I dont know why but i do enjoy listening to this kid and when he gets started in a game, all he wants to do is win. no matter what he does. LOVE HIM!!!
So yeah, those are some of the kids that stuck out from my first visits there. There are many more but people are over. Okay byebye
A shooting star flashes across the screen, and what does she wish for? To just be Hannah Montana. Not Miley. No school or complcation of hiding her other life, just Hannah Montana. Rolling my eyes at any other Disny Channel fantasy because, in fact, her wish comes true. She changes into a mega million dollar blondie and realizes how her life sucks. She never met her friends and her brother, overcome with jealousy, left and was on his own. Her dad married a bubble brain and was never home…
Thinking about what i would wish for led to a number of ideas. One was brought up from the folds of my brain, dug deep into my skull was that everyone would go to heaven with me. growing up, i see now the complications with free will, and that wish would never work out. 
Then, of course, wishes such as a million dollars, fastest person ever, meeting Delonte West, movig to Hawaii, Paul never dying, me skipping a couple years, making friends, being skinny forever and becoming pretty flashed into my head and i felt terrible. This was during the week. I hadnt realized it was this much on my mind until the ride home from our retreat. How selfish am i to be thinking this stuff? How can i conjure up these wishes that could never come true, i mean i feel as though i am six again. That growing up wish could work now.
So i thought and i had a dream about it… it was weird. Well, the dream was me giving a speech. The speech was about what i wanted. “What did i want?” i started off. I liste off all those i did earlier… then i said “but i dont want love.” Thats weird to me. Since 7th grade i have thouhgt i’ve fallen inlove with these stupid boys and all i wanted was for them to love me back, but no. no i dont. I dont want that.
What i want, which sounds so extremely selfish ringing in my ears, is to love. To know how to love. To treat people lovingly. To know how to talk to others in a way they feel loved. I want to listen to them and care.
I wish i could love someone.
Its as simple as that.
And the thing is, its not only for one reason. Not only do i want to make friends, i want these people to forget how i am. I DONT know how to love. Im surprised i even know how to listen. I dont care, i dont feel for anyone anymore… well a couple. I want to. And i’m tired of it. I’m tired of getting “your mean,” “how selfish,” “say your sorry,” “another mean comment by Elli.” “bitch” “bitter” “negative”…
I wish i could take it back. erase a couple years.
you know?
I hurt more people than i know. and i dont want that. i wish i was quiet like i used to be, soo i couldnt hurt asta, adi, anele, mom, katie dad… everyone. or myself. i hate hurting cause as i hurt you, i hurt me. i guess i do care, but not enough to stop myself at that moment. not enough to go back and say sorry. not enough to ask God to help me. So, if you ever felt a slight bit of anger, annoyence or if you were ever hurt by me: I am so sorry.
I dont want that. I dont want to be mean. and the thing is, its only a wish.
“like every inch of me is bruised… bruised….”
To me, from where i stand, a better looking wish is to die…
but I’m already dead.
“….im finally waking up.”
its time to start over, with God this time. <3
The past couple of days have been interesting. Lemme think.
Okay Tuesday (im all about days here) i was really tired and at lunch, Adi came into school. why? well because she had ‘a lot’ of work to do. i have never gotten to sleep in or miss a day of school for school work… So i kinda started off on her and ranted about it. I said something like “you should never skip school for a paper or shit or word or anything!” … ha. Well, Adi was looking off and smiling and i looked and anele was right there. Adi said she skipped word stuff. and i just said thats her problem and walked away. I told andie about it the next day and she said call em out! but it would be better nicer… haha yeah, nice. I don’t think i am nice. whatever…
Well speaking of Wednesday, Andie time was nice. It was awesome actually until halfway into it, she tells me she had some news….
DUDE this was terrible really. She tells me she is going to chill… uhh. damn i thought. she told me i didn’t need a discipler anymore either… i seriously wanted to cry.. and eventually did. and blew up at my dad… so it kinda sucked but i was still happy? i mean like the more not-depressed i get, the more i am bad?? well i know i havent been all too horrible since my episode but after not being bad, once i was stupid it really hurts to get yelled at.. whatever,
skip to FRIDAY:
Well, the seniors left… yeah it was pretty sad for some people. Like katie was torn up about josh zivny leaving (heehee whatta loser) JK. And jocelyn was sad an=bout her frind dan, i was sad about tall hot guy *(yeah riiighht lol), lauren cried cause her bff left, and coutrney realized there were less people in the school… lol it was funny.
Overall, it was a good day. I slept, finished the bathrooms, and then went to cell. At anele’s house, Mia brought me a Jr. Whopper… (so b was kinda right) i hadnt eaten anything so after eating taht, then popcorn, then cupcakes… i got sick and a headache and just wanted to sleeep, which i felt bad about cause i was at Jeffis’s party.. but it was fun, and i hope he had a good time because hes awesome. and he turned 18. and we played psichiatrist (NOT spelled right but if you read it, youll get it).
SATURDAY:
i went to target with hilary. man she is such a great friend. i mean really. she talks like A LOT but its not like she talks about her the whole time. she has concerns for her friends and she always makes me talk about stuff thats bothering me… so its not like she dominates (sometimes she does if we are with a lot of peopele) but together, its really fun.
She has some family issues. who am i kidding, she has a lot. with her mom. And she tells me about them as soon as we walk into target.
“i have to thank you for getting me out of my house!”
uhh what do i say to that!!??
“Why whats goin on?”
she tells about her mom always yelling at her and her brother.. her brother going to st. louise for college. Her mom tells them things like ‘i cant believe i gave birth to a spawn of satan’… WTF!!! and her family is christian… i know she is a christian but hasnt been to church in awhile. she told me like a month ago taht she would like to check out mine but with an invitational every saturday and meets thursdyas, she hasnt been able to. (and she has family over all day today which she is also upset about :[. )
So her brother tells her he cant wait to get far away from here and not coming back on breaks.. wow, i dont think i have ever felt that way.
And now hilary wants to go to hawaii (lol) or harvard for college. like somewhere away from here and her family. I just think that is so sad. And she is always doing stuff for oter people but how can i help her with this? So if anyone reads this, join me in praying for her and her family. i’m sad for her.
BUT,
J-BUTT wants to hang and i think shes starting to feel lonely. this is a GOOD thing! she is one person i had tried to get to word and then stopped for awhile. she is actually seeking me out trying to hang out. (she isnt one to seek, everyone else usually flocks towards her.) Everyone who is her friend has had a jbutt issue, im sure. where one feels they are just another person to her. She told me once that she saw me as a person that really listens and she feels i care about her, which is good news to me seeing as though i am a mean person around here, i guess… Its weird, my non christian friends tell me how much i listen and how they feel i care for them (like jbutt, katie did, courtney and katie m.) this is cool and i feel cool. but i come to word and nicole goes, elli is mean. adi says i am not a good listener at all (though asta contradicts this, word up to ya sista.) and that makes me want to be mean. and i dont see myself being TAHT mean but i guess i am terrible… thats something i have to work on for sure. How is it that i am better with non christians? maybe they are just more intersting… just kidding, lol. im gunna stop talking now.
Yeah sweeto title right? LOTR FOTR all the way! if you dont know what that stand for… go home, really.
So today and yesturday and the day before went by so fast. Friday, i dont even remember anything other than the ortho tellin me my teeths were perfecto and babysiting.
Saturday, Shelby and… ct right?
Sunday (2day) cavs! damn that was good-no 
i blame DWest and Lebron
if you watched it u know y i blame D and lbj, i dunno.. he was good i guess but that 3 at the end reely hurt.. ok bye
I’m the kind of person who can get stuck in the past. i mean up-to-my-neck-stuck-in-mud kind of stuck. and truthfully, i havent been doing that antmore. Maybe cause i dont remember enough to trully love reminiscing anymore. I used to remember a lot but now i cant… well thats another topic. But i have to tell you, watching the missions trip video again didnt make me sad at all, it made me grateful i could go and that i had THE TIME OF MY LIFE! And seeing as though we are going to go on a missions trip this summer, i am more pumped than ever.
To brush one up on how i got prepared for the big MT of 06 to michigan, i will tell you (beause i think its really amazing how it all worked out.)
So once or twice every few weeks, me and anele would hop in the car right after school and Indre or Momma would drive us down to C Bus.
We had these meeting where, i didnt think i knew what i was doing, but apparently it all worked out. We signed up for different jobs Every meeting we would pray work on our assignments, joe would talk, pray, talk, go home. trust me, i was SUPER uncomfortable because, heyheyhey, i didnt knoww ANYBODY. i was pretty shy too. I was shy throughout the last meeting (when jenny adopted me as her friend.) And the night before, our moms set it up so we-LE and NL- sleep over Jenny Botti’s house. now one thing i remember about that was how AWKWARD it was. We talked a little and then sat down to play apples to apples, that was the first time i ever played it. We were all thinking it, so Jenny just said it. “this is kind of awkward.” After that we laughed and talked, it was bonding
Well there were several vans to carry xenoids from xenos to michigan. it took a day or two and we stopped for cabins over night. all the while we became more comfortble with eachother, that i was myself again.
We stayed camped slept then came the day camp.
me and anele set our crafts up and the kids came out of the vans.
Every day there were more kids.
they were so cute and so fun!! by the last day, we all basically had a friend.
The teachings were just the right amount of time and my skit prevailed.
before every day, we had an hour to read our Bibles, pray, think, and get ready. it was very peaceful.
One day i remember i just sat there praying (thinking i would read the missionary bio i had w/ me) but i just prayed. and God totally was talking right to me. As i prayed, i felt so rejuvinated, if you will. It just snapped why i was there and what i was doing.
So liek 18 kids were saved and it was amazing.
So, it was super coo and made some awesome friendships.
So i am just looking forward to this trip like no other. It realy is a great serving opportunity, fellowship time, ffaith building and al together awesome experience. So i hope those wordies are revvvved up as i am..!!!!!
i know they are, wtf :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
hey yeah, dont freak out about the title, its a lyric from-WHO ELSE-Britney Spears. Man, do i love Britney Spears. Seeing how many people hate her or think of her as a crazy, which i cannot argue, i think she is very extravagant, intersting, diverting and an excellent example of someone who is entirely lost. Her songs in her new cd definitely bring out her courage and how she puts up a brick wall. a defensive brick wall i might add. to summarize what i just said, i feel bad for the slut/crazy/paranoid/lost person she is and would die to meet her, even through the person she is and all of her bad songs, i still like britney’s music.
and that ends my rap on that.
and now onto… well, one thing that has been bugging me is people who only care about stupid things in life and dont realize how pathetic they sound.
one example: Me, being on the track team through middle school, breaking a few records here and there :), then for like a month in highschool met some cool people. i remember how much i wanted to be like Marena! oh my how fast she went (and not to mention being a star athlete breaking a ot of records and winning invitationals as a freshman this year,) and not only wanting her legs but her charm and social ability. Or hilary who was definitely a nerd but when it came to running and making people laugh, she blew the house down while remaining suttle. Sarah, aka; the tall pretty girl in first period study hall(hahaha,) was always one of my best friends, connecting with her in the fall running 7 miles at a time w/ the kimton cross country team was always greta then ripping up numbers in the spring on our 4 by 4 team was amazing. though, as freshman year went on, we hardly saw eachother and talking was thin then hardly talking to not talking, and some texting here or there. and now to get to my point of all this:
i saw her recently, asked her how she was doing, hows the fam, dance, any bf’s… you know the easy stuff. all she knew how to say-it seemed- was i dont see you at track anymore? you were good? its hard! and througout the times i have seen her, i realize we only talk of track and dance. can i get any deeper i mean really, slow me down or someone is gonna kill themself!
but no ferreal, this aggrivates me seeing as though i dont like to get deep woth certain people and when i do talk to others (i mean COME ON its not even ‘deep’ its having an INTELIGENT conversation!!) they dont seem to care about you, or even how their life is going, just how their life IS… if that makes any sense at all.
i know the answer to why they do this of course but it just amazes me and seeing someone get saved (LAUREN DAKTERS, praise God) and seeing every aspect of her life turn around, from the way she talks to the way she feels etc., is just amazing. really. thank you GOD!
and JC, if the cavaliers win at home, that would be absolutely amazing, just a suggestion…
…i was kidding… haha, okay.
23 seems to be my number today. You know, its 23 cent pizza day. I missed 23 questions on a science test. I haven’t done that 23 problem worksheet. Feels like i have tried talking to 23 people about this stupid superlatives list. and LeBron (23) better do amazing tonight.
So, its funny listening to people talk about the 23cent pizza thing. Other people said they didnt think it should be this big of a deal. hey, its pretty stupid but if i get a pizza, i am so totally all over that.
hahaha…im so extremely tirrred right now. and shelly is visiting journalism so immonna goooo!!
“Oh…”
Awkward silence. You know what they say, every awkward silence a gay baby is born. I thought i’d fill the space.
“So i’ll be seeing you?”
“Uh yeah. You’re not mad, are you?” he said to the ground. For a big boy he looked kind of helpless.
“Oh no, i understand… Bye,” I turned to walk away swearing at everything i saw.
Walking home is always the worst part. Every break-up I have ever gone through, i have to walk home, but its the worst part. Walking through the woods and on the dark streets seeing your destination but the strain in your throat and the tears choking you stops you from going in. It may be horrible for me but its better than the awkward silence during the car ride home. Sitting next to the bitch that just tore your heart out isn’t very awesome at all.
Sucking it up as i saw headlights coming from around the corner, a speeding car screeched to a hault in front of me. Lil Wayne blaring as the window rolled down, two big brown eyes stared up at me. With a smile on his face and a swift flick of his hand, the door was open for me to take my place next to D.
Silence except for D singing, i was able to calm down. He always knew when i was angry and let me have my space, for his own good of course. If he didn’t, i would probably rip his head off.
Sensing my stability he said in a loud sanguine voice, “What’s up with you Blonde Booty?”
Heehee, he’s so cute of course he knew how to make me smile. And how was that even funny? It was just him, his whole personality was just a ball of sunshine.
“Not much D baby.”
“Thats a lie.”
“I know.”
“So…?”
“Mitch ended it.”
“Another one bites the dust.”
“Yup.”
“Well, are you okay?”
“Yeah…” lie, “his loss.” Lie again.
Mitch was the love of my life, the fifth one anyway. We were the best of friends, for abot a wee, then we started going out to the clubs togther and stay out late down town. One thing led to another and then he broke up with me. My whole life died before my eyes like a salt covered slug shrinking in the sun-light, that slug being what i relied on, my heart beat, just my life. You see, he was the only friend i had for awhile. gave up everyone else-everything else- for him. I look back on myself and realize how stupid i was. I dunno but after all that, D was here for me now, and i dont know how i cant screw this one up.
Dropping me off, i waved and waited for him to leave before i went in. Sitting alone in the dark spring can gt pretty lonely but its better than facing the family. D knew this. He knew all about me not being able to talk to my family. He tried to confront me on this once, i slapped him and ran away. And ruthfully, m not sure why i hate thm so much. All they do is… well i dont know. I havent seen them in a week or two.
Seeing as though he wasnt leaving, i rolled my eyes and walked to he door. With a flicker of headlights for encouragment, i turned the door knob. I didnt have to finish te job as a little mexican women opened the door yelling things in he language with a big smile on her face.
“Hi mama,” i said with a smile.
“Oh muchacha, who are you, and what have you done with my rubia?” means blonde, rubia means blonde. Thats one word i know and growing up blonde wasnt only a hair color, it was my whole personality. MY personality. How i was blonde and spoiled, thats what it meant.
It smelled like cat and a faint wiff of bird poop at the opening of the small hallway. I followed Gloria through the house as she called out recent family news to me.
“Senor!” after a pause, stepmama tuned to me with a smile, “Mira la television.” I nodded.
“Well, go se him!”
“Oh, los ciento.”
Walking up the stairs, the memories made me all warm inside. Seeing Gloria, Paul, Stevie and me all happy again made me ust remember our good times.
Paying no attention, anyone can just walk into Paul’s room and find themselves cryiing twenty minutes later.
“Hi Papa.”
The gray head stood up and hugged me. “Juana,” using my baby name just stabbed me through the heart.
Tears.
Took me twenty seconds.
After settling down for the second time tonight, he asked me about how ive been doing, of course. oasdfhasbduiaduahduiasdgsksdhaiusdaiuhauishdiuhsiudhisugdcbhxzui8zyd
…to be continued, most likely not. though i am liking the D character but i have to work on the girl’s personality before i go on. i was just going off of whatever came to my mind. more solid plot. okay bye.
i loove Friays!
Friday i got to go to the South Street party the kids earned. I actually didnt think i coul go seeing as though i only went for the first time that tuesday. It turns out that Anele was the only ‘kid’ from our Xenos going. She hooked me up with a ride from Andrea and we all went down together. Man are those kids cute! Before we left we had like a dance party. Starting with Taymar, this real cute and friendly little boy, everyone started dancing. Except for craig, i dont think he did.
Well after the danceing and singing on the playground, we were off to Rocky’s. During th drive, we were talking and following Craig. Well we got some-what lost but ended up at the building eventually. me and anele were planning to go to the talent show afterward so i didnt have enough money to skate. but then i realized i had 7 and it was 7 so i just went. i didnt fall once! but keeping up with those kids was freakin hard!! so i just said hi whenever they lapped me.
At Rocky’s, if you have ever been there you would know they have a light-up dance floor thing with 2 walls of mirrors. For most of the time, sarah was located there. Accompanied or alone, shoes or skates, whenever i looked over she was there. So i was thinking of going over there when Soulja Boy tell Em ‘Cank that’ came on. I jumped off of the separater i was sitting on and watched her and another boy Crank That. And then i jumped in. :D:)
It was funny how surprised she was that i knew the dance. She called acouple of kids over and was like “she can do the dance!” so we did it together. Upon tuning around, i see abunch of xenos adults looking at us. i walked back to my perch, “I can do the dance.”
On the ride home, i realized the cavs game was on. Adi called me wanting to know what was up.
Adi: “where are you”
me: “coming home from south street”
“Oh, whats everyone else doing?”
“i dont know ask”
“okay, i might rent a movie.”
“okay, can you check the score?”
“no”
“just go on cavs.com”
“they are on the computer”
“ask them to do it.”
“no”
thats how it went. so i ended up texting Gina, Courtney, Cody, Sarah, even Katie to fin out what the score was. Court and Cody responed w/ we are winning and we are up by 20! woohoo! getting home i rushed upstairs (we only get 15 stations down stairs) and flicked on the TV to catch the last seconds… except it was over. So i watched the post game comments and interviews and press conferences to find out what happned. Well D.West only got like 4 points of (what like) 105? and LeBron shared the ball and Soulja boy can go shooot himself now.
So then i check my email and see i got that lottery thing again. Well boston didnt win so we find out who we playin TODAYY and that determines if i can go or not. so hopefully not Boston (though most likely gonna win.) but if it is Boston, i cant go.. again. and there is not gonna be any tickets left… again, so blah.
but i am so happy anele and adi got me into south street!!! yipeee
OH and freakin IRON MAN may be one of the best movies ever made. It has action, humor, and a kinda hot smart main character. its pretty sweeet, even though i got lost in the theatre and chloe tried to help by raising her hand up which i couldnt se than i just walked down the aisle and she grabbed me and it was so strange -gasp- but yeah saturday was fun too.
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_____basic doctrine yesterday was really cool. it really hit me on what i gots ta do. it just became clear what i have been praying for. i want to grow oh so much but i feel so immature and that i didnt know what to do. i know what to do now! im still immature but i am relieved.
now i have to DO IT!
