A shooting star flashes across the screen, and what does she wish for? To just be Hannah Montana. Not Miley. No school or complcation of hiding her other life, just Hannah Montana. Rolling my eyes at any other Disny Channel fantasy because, in fact, her wish comes true. She changes into a mega million dollar blondie and realizes how her life sucks. She never met her friends and her brother, overcome with jealousy, left and was on his own. Her dad married a bubble brain and was never home…
Thinking about what i would wish for led to a number of ideas. One was brought up from the folds of my brain, dug deep into my skull was that everyone would go to heaven with me. growing up, i see now the complications with free will, and that wish would never work out. Then, of course, wishes such as a million dollars, fastest person ever, meeting Delonte West, movig to Hawaii, Paul never dying, me skipping a couple years, making friends, being skinny forever and becoming pretty flashed into my head and i felt terrible. This was during the week. I hadnt realized it was this much on my mind until the ride home from our retreat. How selfish am i to be thinking this stuff? How can i conjure up these wishes that could never come true, i mean i feel as though i am six again. That growing up wish could work now.
So i thought and i had a dream about it… it was weird. Well, the dream was me giving a speech. The speech was about what i wanted. “What did i want?” i started off. I liste off all those i did earlier… then i said “but i dont want love.” Thats weird to me. Since 7th grade i have thouhgt i’ve fallen inlove with these stupid boys and all i wanted was for them to love me back, but no. no i dont. I dont want that.
What i want, which sounds so extremely selfish ringing in my ears, is to love. To know how to love. To treat people lovingly. To know how to talk to others in a way they feel loved. I want to listen to them and care.
I wish i could love someone.
Its as simple as that.
And the thing is, its not only for one reason. Not only do i want to make friends, i want these people to forget how i am. I DONT know how to love. Im surprised i even know how to listen. I dont care, i dont feel for anyone anymore… well a couple. I want to. And i’m tired of it. I’m tired of getting “your mean,” “how selfish,” “say your sorry,” “another mean comment by Elli.” “bitch” “bitter” “negative”…
I wish i could take it back. erase a couple years.
you know?
I hurt more people than i know. and i dont want that. i wish i was quiet like i used to be, soo i couldnt hurt asta, adi, anele, mom, katie dad… everyone. or myself. i hate hurting cause as i hurt you, i hurt me. i guess i do care, but not enough to stop myself at that moment. not enough to go back and say sorry. not enough to ask God to help me. So, if you ever felt a slight bit of anger, annoyence or if you were ever hurt by me: I am so sorry.
I dont want that. I dont want to be mean. and the thing is, its only a wish.
“like every inch of me is bruised… bruised….”
To me, from where i stand, a better looking wish is to die…
but I’m already dead.

“….im finally waking up.”

its time to start over, with God this time. <3