So a lot of things have been going through my head and i have only been able to make sense of a few… i am not feeling as deep as i usually am… whatever, its still been awesome.

right at this very moment, i feel awesome after mike’s teaching, in a really good spot spiritually, satisfied after a hilarious word event and 100x better than i was last DMT retreat.

now i am not at the whole retreat thingy but it is still super fun for me! no offense to the rents or anything but i love it when i am home alone. i feel like i am in control and can get stuff done, which doesnt always happen but is more likely. i like being with people but i like being alone a lot too. like this weekend: friday i went to field hockey and had a blast with the girls (which is awesome because my team has split into two lately and i, as usual, am stuck in the middle trying to decide what to do, trying to clam the one side down and trying to stop the nastiness from the other.) BUT then i went home and fell asleep then woke up and started sorting things, cause i like to and planned out stuff i needed to do, set aside $150 for driving (which i did HA!) and then fell asleep again watching friends… so i was ind of disappointed that i didnt go anywhere or relate but i got to at field hockey and today. friday field hockey practice is like chillax day, varsity doesnt even practice but we kind of play games and talk for 2 hours.

and then today grandma came over and we went shopping for some shit cause i actually have money…
then i fell asleep again (i woke up early) and went to CT,
i got there early and chilled with lindsay since she was the only one there other than michele… so we started setting up and then realized it was actually our turn to set up… so it all worked out.
then Mike’s teaching was awesome! it was really clear and his personal examples were cool for me to relate to, especially since we are both mels and… you cant spell mel without el!
then we watched the love guru at jordans… not a good movie but it was a great time. it was me, becky, katy, jordan, jon, cody and jose…. katie g was gunna come but she was being all fussy so i kind of gave up since the movie was half way over and she already missed the teaching… but it was fun, and funny.

 

SO i was looking at my myspace, which i only use to talk to my cousins and listen to music, and i found an old blog. it was really weird! i forgot i was so sad in middle school! usually i dont get depressed as a mel, i just get mad. but back then i was depressed. but i dont count middle school as my life anymore, i didnt like it. well here is the middle school blog i wrote:

i hate you. i swore i hated you. i do hate you. i loved you. but i hate you now.

you dont care if i hate you. you dont care if i loved you. you dont care about me.

then why is it when i see you i look into your eyes and your sad?

i pass you in the hall and when you see me you remember.

why is it that when you look at me, i cant say anything and you just sit there for a couple seconds staring.

and when you open your mouth, not a word…

and those seconds drag on like hours, but not days

they cant possibly be days.

because when she closes the locker door and turns to me to say lets go,

my cold stare shifts and you look away.

and i just wish you would say what you wanted to say.

cause i know you miss it,

not me, but it

being loved and having fun

without the pressure of looking cool

i know you miss your friends

not me but them

and i know its heartbreaking for you to see me

and your definitely ashamed of what youve become

you know it–and you just cant say it

“you had fun”

but after all those feelings pass, and those memories fade just like our past

you look away and so do i

and you may think nothing of it

but as those hourly seconds drag on

im feeling the same way

and i hate you

and i miss you

and i loved you

but not anymore

cause your gone now

and the pain you feel when you see us,

-not just me-

thats enough punishment for now

and what you encounter next

who knows,

maybe ill feel sorry for you…

someday.

but not today

all i can do is ask

What happened to you?

 

 

 

… creepy right? i think i know who i was writing about. it was either lauren, katie, courtney, mallory, bianka or alex… robably all of them. cause thats how i felt when they all left me. its strange for me to realize i still have a bit of that emotion, the anger i had, but now it makes me depressed. reverse me round!! im not ‘depressed’ like aahh booo hoooo waahhhh. but just a little sadness in me when i think of them and how i loved them… i guess you could say they ripped me out for awhile. they were my close relationships, they were my good friends. i guess i have always been stuck in the past.. but i just wish i could have real relationshiips again. those were probably just middle school naive friendships but i am hardly close with anyone now! i was close with all those people…
now i am close with asta, adi and i would love to say lauren but i dont think she is on that list yet… i know lots about her and i absoutely love her. it is just a matter of her telling me everything and that she doesnt know me at all… i dont think many people do. but i guess thats my fault, right! i dont talk to much and i hate talking about how i feel. so, i guess i like it this way but it isnt right.

i am so grateful for my friends though! i love them all so much!

 

“it was probably the most selfish prayer ever: God help me, I’m sad.” hahahaha mike!

trust me, it is more comfy than it sounds…

 

“No one else will know these lonely dreams..” maybe people do. I have a hard time relating with my friends sometimes. They talk about soccer, driving, parties or boyfriends all of which i have a lack of experience. So the best i can do for them is listen, pray and when they ask me for advice… think? I didnt think anyone felt the way i felt. no one in my school has never had a boyfriend or a first kiss or no one has ever not played spin th bottle… then i realized there was someone in my house that felt almost the same way as me. but i think Adi is more confident in herself and i look up at her for it.

There is a lot of pressure coming from the water above and the current below, squeezing me so hard i canot even say a word to stop it. It has always bothered me until now. I guess i got used to people saying “youve never had a boyfriend!!” more astonished than actually caring. and now its home coming.

part of me doesnt want to go because i dont want to go with someone… or because i hate it when people ask who are you going with… or because the thought of spending even that much amount of time being there with someone totally scares the shit out of me.

Ive always said i just didnt want a boyfriend… i realise now that it is because i am terrified. I am scared shitless when i have to open up to asta or lauren… how am i supposed to date someone? how am i supposed to put the rest of my life into someone’s hands [when the time comes] and tell them i love them!?! its super scary… i dont want to get married.

i have thought about it of course.
my big time crush in 7th grade…
of course he was way out of my league… but he WAS a great friend and i could actually see myself trusting him… but you know that was 7th grade.
i havent liked anyone that much since. plus its not like it is important right now right?
then why do i think about it all the time?

im just being a 15 year old girl… which sucks. and i swear i try to be mature and above what people say but i take it and i chew on it for some time then i stick it in th back of my cheeck to move on but when i remember its there, i cant spit it out… “..and im not supposed to let it bother me.”

gosh, this is when i would LOVE to be a guy…