trust me, it is more comfy than it sounds…
“No one else will know these lonely dreams..” maybe people do. I have a hard time relating with my friends sometimes. They talk about soccer, driving, parties or boyfriends all of which i have a lack of experience. So the best i can do for them is listen, pray and when they ask me for advice… think? I didnt think anyone felt the way i felt. no one in my school has never had a boyfriend or a first kiss or no one has ever not played spin th bottle… then i realized there was someone in my house that felt almost the same way as me. but i think Adi is more confident in herself and i look up at her for it.
There is a lot of pressure coming from the water above and the current below, squeezing me so hard i canot even say a word to stop it. It has always bothered me until now. I guess i got used to people saying “youve never had a boyfriend!!” more astonished than actually caring. and now its home coming.
part of me doesnt want to go because i dont want to go with someone… or because i hate it when people ask who are you going with… or because the thought of spending even that much amount of time being there with someone totally scares the shit out of me.
Ive always said i just didnt want a boyfriend… i realise now that it is because i am terrified. I am scared shitless when i have to open up to asta or lauren… how am i supposed to date someone? how am i supposed to put the rest of my life into someone’s hands [when the time comes] and tell them i love them!?! its super scary… i dont want to get married.
i have thought about it of course.
my big time crush in 7th grade…
of course he was way out of my league… but he WAS a great friend and i could actually see myself trusting him… but you know that was 7th grade.
i havent liked anyone that much since. plus its not like it is important right now right?
then why do i think about it all the time?
im just being a 15 year old girl… which sucks. and i swear i try to be mature and above what people say but i take it and i chew on it for some time then i stick it in th back of my cheeck to move on but when i remember its there, i cant spit it out… “..and im not supposed to let it bother me.”
gosh, this is when i would LOVE to be a guy…
Elli it’s actually really fun to go to dances without a date. As long as you’re willing to go in there and relate with people! That was my problem the first homecoming I ever went to. I just sulked and pitied myself (hah like that’s anything new) and got angry at everyone else, it was pretty pethetic, when the next homecoming came. I wasn’t too thrilled to go, but I decided this year I would rather go with all these dudes and dudettes who care for me and relate with some people there!
(accidently pressed POP too soon)
So go in there Elli with all your buddies and enjoy yourself!
It sure does suck to be a 15-yr-old girl. I remember well! If it’s any comfort, in five years the people who gawked at your boyfriendless-ness will not remember who did and didn’t have a bf in high school and will be all damaged from their trampy dating habits. So try not to worry so much about what they think, although I know that’s hard…
Think about it this way: you think about yourself, worry about yourself, and wonder what other people think about you all the time. And everyone else in your school is doing the same thing–worrying too much about themselves to think much about you!
And you have something that matters beyond the walls of high school. You have your relationship with God and ministry. So for now just try to be a great friend. That’s the best preparation for romantic relationships, anyway.
jeff- thanks but yeah, thats what i do for every dance i have ever been to. I just get tired of being the floater and moving to all different people. I guess its nice to have all different friends but i dont know…
kailie-i know thats why i think it is so stupid to think of this stuff when it isnt i,portant at all
dude u dont even want to be a dude, u have no clue what its like.
i would never want to be a girl, but still, dude u so dont want to be a dude… bad news… we think of this stuff more than girls, and maybe even 18 times as much.
Don’t get on here much so I just read your blog, man can you write! Learning to love JC style IS terrifying cuz you can get burned. But there is the joy of the Lord found in doing this that the world can’t touch, and can never take away. Besides, the only other option is the cold heart that Jesus warns about. I’ve been there and I promise you, it’s a much lonelier place than where your at now.