“Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return, but knowing that some would be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows. Swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?”

That is from One Tree Hill season 3… they used it in the school shooting episode. Our school isn’t going through a school shooting… But it is going through something. Its a terrible thing but at the same time, I hope it lasts longer than a couple days.
Young suicides are tragic. That isn’t an opinion. I cried when I heard and I didn’t know the 10th grader Brian who shot himself. But it happened… And its sad. There is nothing to deny its a tragedy. It happened yesterday after school. At 4:00. He was at home. Where were you? It sounds like he didn’t tell anyone what he planned to do. He was actually talking to a girl saying how he would never see her again… she told him to stop saying that. His myspace page read I just want to sleep forever.
What I want to know is why he did it? Why could someone with so many friends and a personality feel that way?
On the R.I.P. group on facebook, a girl describes how she heard the sirens down her street and saw his mother’s face and her body collapse after running onto the front lawn.
Maybe it was family problems, I don’t know… But i wore black today because it isn’t natural and because I wish people would realize that this is going to happen again. Is it your name?
When I hear people laugh, I feel guilty. When I see classmates crying, I feel guilty.
I feel like its a big deal. But, not all people do! I feel like time should stop… What happened to us? It isn’t supposed to be this way…
…What I want is for everyone to see that we are all fucked.
Its a sad day today, but its going to happen again.
Please keep his family and friends in your prayers…

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“Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do,
I still feel you here till the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
but to drown in your love
and not feel your rein…”

Gravity…

This summer, I learned a few things. One of which was that I am bound to my flesh, no matter what I think. I knew this. But I just really learned it.
When one is saved, Jesus frees em right?
But I learned my intentions and my instinct, mind, and reason is telling me something completely different.

Let us back track a little…
I have never been able to control emotion. This is one way I am severely immature. I still never ever actually know what I am feeling. And I hate it. I try so hard to figure out what the hell I am thinking and why? At first I thought it wasn’t my fault. That it wasn’t me… But it all comes from somewhere right?

With all my pleasure, pampering and… well princess practices I have gained from being born into a christian home, I take advantage of it so often. And that, I think, is what happened this summer. I became rebellious, over-looking WHY I have what i really do have…

About a month ago, I started having many doubts. And I did NOT want to admit it. My doubts were mainly about me… big surprise… and why the fuck do I need to be changing how I act every other week. (Thats a big hint right there.)

So, here is a journal entry I wrote on Saturday, August 22.

A Multitude of Semicolons

Lately, I have had a lot of thoughts. Weird ones. Ones that I never thought I would have thunk.
I started with one thought. The thought of why the hell does keith talk people down? An example of what I’m thinking: I’m a princess. I know. A big one. But, I’m always going to be a princess… right?

So this is the weird thoughts I had: why try to change if I ain’t gunna do it?

Yeah, it was rebellious… But I think it was more out of frustration. How could I live with myself even if I conquered being a princess? There is always going to be SOMETHING that is WRONG. So why would I WANT to try… why would I want to change?

And, of course, these thoughts strung together leading to the most ridiculous thing I ever did think: why would I want to learn about God… how is this going to help me if I’m never going to change?

I’m not lying here… I considered it… and I look back ashamed. How could I think it? How could I hold that stupid thought as an option?

As I said, this was recently. But, now that I think about it… it has been building up. A feeling of frustration, rebellion and anger led to this… I think. And it all came together to form a bitter shell. A wrap around my skin that deflected anyone that pushed me (anything I didn’t want)… So basically my parents, prayer, discipleship… the thing is, I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t realize my lack of faith. Well, I did… I tried to turn around and love my mother and read the love ethics articles but I couldn’t… I told mysef to go do what my mom said and read SRTL like dad suggested… But I couldn’t do it; until now. 

So, what lead me to this realization of my fucked up thoughts? Everything. Everything built up over the last week… cell group, discipleship, BOW spa night, vacation… lack of prayer… How could i be s stupid? lazy? selfish? proud? …I don’t know. That’s the way I am and the way I have tried to be for so long.

But now, I don’t want to be that way. I don’t want to be that way! I hate being the one who is the bitch. The bad one. the slacker. The un-spiritual wimp who just won’t budge. And these thoughts: I hate them! I hate myself for thinking them! But, I know I am not going to change.

This is the lesson I learned: I am not going to change… No matter how hard I try. It isn’t me.

It’s God. He is going to change me. And I have to be willing.

I wasn’t willing. Still kinda struggling. But, I realize I didn’t want Him to…

So that’s my conclusion… and, if I am right, I’m going to get right on it.

So, that is what I went through. I still feel it a little. I told me family on family night and even just telling someone I felt a little better….

But, seeing as though I am in school, I’ve got things to do, people to see and apologies to organize… Though I could write forever. LUNCH TIME!

“If there is no God, there is no reason… I will party.” Markle (describing his middle school conclusions @ the chill meeting.)
LOL.

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