There are times in my life when my heart tells me not to feel. It tugs at every vein and every muscle trying to tell me it’s okay not to feel and it’s okay not to care. And I regret to report that in Elli world, most times I comply to these wishes… To where my heart really is: individualism. Individualism is a belief in the importance of an individual and the virtue of self-reliance and virtual independance, according to the dictionary app on my iPod.
Once one (or maybe in this case just me) so once I submit to this urge, to the pulling and proddings of the individualism, I wallow in self pity. My life becomes everything individualism promised me but flipped… So the opposite. I realize that I feel everything I hate. I get lonely, bitter, jealous and melancholy to the point where all I can see is two feet in front of me and that’s ok. Why? Because it’s ME! And what I thought would be care-free turned into a sandstorm of feeling on everything. It’s true, when I submit I don’t care. I don’t care at all about the important things but on the other hand I care about everything. I care about EVERY FRAKING DETAIL ON EVERY DETAIL OB EVERY DETAIL OF EVERY INSIGNIFICANT FACT. It’s horrible! And this promise I made that it is going to be okay? It’s never okay.

I’ve been to that place many times. I call it Frank because it keeps coming back when I don’t want it to. Frank scares me. He is the epitomy of everything I fear and everything I love rolled into one… But not everything. He makes me feel so superior and so regretful and so hot and so guilty… It’s heartbreaking. It’s also a law. Frank is scary. I mean what if I get stuck with frank?? What if one day I go out and never come back? Frank wouldn’t care. He would just make up more lies to keep me satisfied. And I would tie a blind fold over my eyes so I wouldn’t see all the rubble and destruction I would leave behind. Would anyone be able to get me? …Frank would then say: would anyone even try? I would say no and keep walking with him blindly and lovely.

Frank scares me sometimes but I can’t blame frank. I tried blaming others but that just made me closer to Frank.
It’s a dark an depressing thing, I am. It’s the truth. I’m dark and I walk blindly… I am melancholy and I am weak. I am hopeless and a materialist. I am an individualist. I am individualism.

No I’m not. I was all of that and a huge bag of chips. Sometimes I convince myself I still am that way. I want what I want and I need what I want to be who I am. And when I start saying my name is frank… That’s when I turn my head to see a huge gray bloody rabbit whispering in my ear that I could be so much more….

Who am I?

I remember who I am. I know! As you have seen above, I thought I had it down. I’m elli and I’m smelly. I’m the shit and I’m the wit. I’m blood and I am guts.

Doesn’t this just scream teen angst? I should write songs, everyone would buy them

but I’m not that! No, I remember being reborn. I remember leaving all of that even if it is only a few inches to be what I am today.

So who am I?

I know who I am. I am a light of the world (Matthew 5:14) I don’t have to walk through these sharp ridges so blind, I have a Father that leads me an shields me (John 1:12). I may not be the shit here, but there is someone who can keep up with my mood swings and temper yet still thinks me a saint (col. 1:2). I’m not always going to fit in this world but that is because This is not my home, I don’t belong here (1 Peter 2:11). And best of all, I am the friend of someone who knows unconditional love and someone who is with me always. I am friends with an almighty king that does not reign terror whenever I go astray but sheds tears because I know He will miss me! Who am I? I am Christ’s frond (John 15:15).

No matter where I go with Frank, there is a light out of the corner of my eye that reminds me of who I really am. Though I may try to cover it, it’s always there.
I’m going to try and live on my own. I’m going to fail. I’m going to love the world… But I am a new somebody. I know I can walk away from that past because that isn’t me anymore. God reassured me that he is here. He shows ne everyday with such amazing relationships he has given me. He shines through in the smiles of my sisters Erin and Anele, in my best friends Adi and Asta, in my most caring parents, and in my loyal comrade in crime Katie. He shows his love through Carrie who teaches me how to be like Him. He shows his compassion through Adam and Jordan who put up with me no matter how annoying or hard headed I get. He shows his humor and joy through those funny ladies Brooke, Brandi, Jessie and Catie… He has given me the body who show just a fraction of his sacrifice but is still enough to overwhelm any person. He gives us love which is a warm blanket no one can refuse on days like these.

He has given me so much. So much. I’m just a silly girl. Not to him. To him I am I daughter. And a spoiled one at that. Today I said bye to Frank because I found-AGAIN-a significance that lasts and that loves me no matter what. I’m going to love God, too. I may not be worthy but he made me have purpose and gave me light. He gave me a life worth living… Thank you, Lord. Thank you thank you thank you!
I love you and I need you and I’m sorry for the pain I have caused you. Please help me love people the way you do and show me where to go! I am excited for your will to be done and amazed you have chosen me to work through! There’s no way I can repay you but giving my life to you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do so!

I honestly don’t know why I wrote that down but i’m going to keep it. The point is that the lord has freed me from all that I was. He has given me opportunity and a chance if successful life. Sometimes I am blind and foolish butcher forgives me. And I forget and it hapend again. But love brings me back and his love holds me and… It’s what I live for.
I didn’t really have a point when I started writing today but that’s a damn good one so we are going to keep it

what the lord has done with me…

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