So, i started writing and this is what came out:

“I haven’t written in awhile because I literally haven’t been thinking. I got a new job which is great but I totally functioned out. Someone once told me thatif I were to work, I would feel better. I doubt that person would be reading this so I’m just going to say that I do feel better. The long hours on my feet make are helping me lose weight, that’s always a plus. The opportunity I get to be with so many different people daily is amazing and I get lots of money. So yeah, I feel great! But someone asked me today how I feel. And I honestly didn’t know and made up some bull shit answer. Then as I was thinking, all of these emotions came flooding out that i haven’t touched in two months. So i’m going to type some and you can make what you want out of it.

For one, nothing is the same anymore. I feel like I am sprinting through opportunities and jumping straight over problems that should be solved. There is no rest or break and I feel like I just want to enjoy it while everyone else is 30 seconds ahead of me. Is it really just me? We used to hang out and talk till midnight with nothing planned, just conversation. We used to celebrate eachother and cry into one anothers shoulders. We used to hug eachother-boys and girls-as brothers and sisters, not as crushes and lusts. So what happened? I feel so far away from where I started and where j started isn’t anywhere near where I should have been. It’s so different which is okay. But it’s just so different.

And it might be because they left. They all went on to be adults, looking back at first but now not even a glimpse. And it was fine at first but now I just want to grab them and ask them what do I do? It’s so fdifferent without you here. I never appreciated you fully but now I wish you all were back. And now that I wish it, you wouldn’t dream of it. You look at me like I’m the same emotional child I was. But I’m not psychotic anymore, just crazy. And you are so much older but I can grow up. And you know so much more but I can learn. And sometimes I still expect you guys to care, until I have to remind myself that they have their own problems and that they don’t use Twitter anymore.”

…then i pressed publish and my computer freaked out… so it didn’t publish. thank god. now, i am going to publish my feelings, the ones that are significant.

and to do so, i have to start with this verse:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thankfulness, present your requests to God. phil 4:6

this is my favorite verse right now. my parents were are always throwing it at me and i would never listen,  until i sat down and read it myself. the first time, i was frustrated. i gave my problems to god and nothing happened, right?!

then i gave up and continued freaking out, all by myself, worrying alone. put everything on my back and woe is me.

then i read it again. and i thought again. and i thought again. and i thought again. and i thought maybe, maybe it will work. maybe. and i was like, god