I just wrote a long depressing blog about how I am sad that everyone thinks of me as negative. I deleted it because that is totally ironically stupid. Besides, contrary to popular beliefs, I am hardly every depressed! I am so happy right now I just thought, whats the point of whining over something that i think i am improving? i just want to be known for my hits not just my misses.
Moving on; Carrie and I are teaching cell tomorrow! I am so pumped for it! I love making all the outlines, looking up verses and organizing the information into an interesting facts. I do not feel stressed at all. The Lord totally has his hand on this teaching, I can feel it. I just hope I dont screw it up beforehand. I am going over 2 attributes of God: ompnipotent and love. Have you ever had the feeling when you just realize how amazing God is? It kind of feels like a refresher. Every couple of weeks, God just reminds me of how amazing he really is and what an awesome thing he did for us! I mean, how come I am so selfish when he did this selfless act-for me!! Wow!
I lost my tennis match in tennis class today. It was fun playing, but I realize i hav just gotten worse from starting the class that is supposed to improve my ’skills.’ I am apparently random when happy.
I am happy. I am joyful! The Spirit is in me and I cannot stop praying. I love the feeling of God loving me. I only hope that everyone else can know this feeling too. Including Courtney, Kenni, “Stefanie” lets call them, even J! How awesome is it to have the Body of Christ as a family? Thank you, Lord! i feel as though all of my problems are solved forever except for the fact that my World history book is waiting to be read and the review worksheet for the test is not completed. I hardly know the names of the battles for the test tomorrow and have forgotten to get ads for the newspaper for the past 2 months. I dont mind, as long as i can sleep with this feeling… heck, I don’t think I will be able to sleep!
goodnight!
i can feel You all around me
thickening the air i breath in
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing
i am not that into christian music but flyleaf does a good job of making it interesting. i mean this is an awesome song and when they explain it on the radio, its terribly accurate.
i CAN feel Him all around me
maybe not thickening the air i breath in
but im holding onto what im feeling
not savoring this heart thats healing
…The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you
I’m alive, I’m alive
i am alive… and have to take tests such as basic doctrine final–in one day. i have one day left. i know i am going to not do too sweet but i dont feel too sad about it. i want to take this class over again and i know i probably will. i just had to take a break from studying! so i write a blog. and listen to flyleaf. and maybe eat some dinner. but it will always be there; the knowledge that i am going to fail a test in a couple of hours. oh yes, it will always be there, until i know that i have failed it. its like freakin school again!!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A shooting star flashes across the screen, and what does she wish for? To just be Hannah Montana. Not Miley. No school or complcation of hiding her other life, just Hannah Montana. Rolling my eyes at any other Disny Channel fantasy because, in fact, her wish comes true. She changes into a mega million dollar blondie and realizes how her life sucks. She never met her friends and her brother, overcome with jealousy, left and was on his own. Her dad married a bubble brain and was never home…
Thinking about what i would wish for led to a number of ideas. One was brought up from the folds of my brain, dug deep into my skull was that everyone would go to heaven with me. growing up, i see now the complications with free will, and that wish would never work out. 
Then, of course, wishes such as a million dollars, fastest person ever, meeting Delonte West, movig to Hawaii, Paul never dying, me skipping a couple years, making friends, being skinny forever and becoming pretty flashed into my head and i felt terrible. This was during the week. I hadnt realized it was this much on my mind until the ride home from our retreat. How selfish am i to be thinking this stuff? How can i conjure up these wishes that could never come true, i mean i feel as though i am six again. That growing up wish could work now.
So i thought and i had a dream about it… it was weird. Well, the dream was me giving a speech. The speech was about what i wanted. “What did i want?” i started off. I liste off all those i did earlier… then i said “but i dont want love.” Thats weird to me. Since 7th grade i have thouhgt i’ve fallen inlove with these stupid boys and all i wanted was for them to love me back, but no. no i dont. I dont want that.
What i want, which sounds so extremely selfish ringing in my ears, is to love. To know how to love. To treat people lovingly. To know how to talk to others in a way they feel loved. I want to listen to them and care.
I wish i could love someone.
Its as simple as that.
And the thing is, its not only for one reason. Not only do i want to make friends, i want these people to forget how i am. I DONT know how to love. Im surprised i even know how to listen. I dont care, i dont feel for anyone anymore… well a couple. I want to. And i’m tired of it. I’m tired of getting “your mean,” “how selfish,” “say your sorry,” “another mean comment by Elli.” “bitch” “bitter” “negative”…
I wish i could take it back. erase a couple years.
you know?
I hurt more people than i know. and i dont want that. i wish i was quiet like i used to be, soo i couldnt hurt asta, adi, anele, mom, katie dad… everyone. or myself. i hate hurting cause as i hurt you, i hurt me. i guess i do care, but not enough to stop myself at that moment. not enough to go back and say sorry. not enough to ask God to help me. So, if you ever felt a slight bit of anger, annoyence or if you were ever hurt by me: I am so sorry.
I dont want that. I dont want to be mean. and the thing is, its only a wish.
“like every inch of me is bruised… bruised….”
To me, from where i stand, a better looking wish is to die…
but I’m already dead. 
“….im finally waking up.”
its time to start over, with God this time. <3
I’m the kind of person who can get stuck in the past. i mean up-to-my-neck-stuck-in-mud kind of stuck. and truthfully, i havent been doing that antmore. Maybe cause i dont remember enough to trully love reminiscing anymore. I used to remember a lot but now i cant… well thats another topic. But i have to tell you, watching the missions trip video again didnt make me sad at all, it made me grateful i could go and that i had THE TIME OF MY LIFE! And seeing as though we are going to go on a missions trip this summer, i am more pumped than ever.
To brush one up on how i got prepared for the big MT of 06 to michigan, i will tell you (beause i think its really amazing how it all worked out.)
So once or twice every few weeks, me and anele would hop in the car right after school and Indre or Momma would drive us down to C Bus.
We had these meeting where, i didnt think i knew what i was doing, but apparently it all worked out. We signed up for different jobs Every meeting we would pray work on our assignments, joe would talk, pray, talk, go home. trust me, i was SUPER uncomfortable because, heyheyhey, i didnt knoww ANYBODY. i was pretty shy too. I was shy throughout the last meeting (when jenny adopted me as her friend.) And the night before, our moms set it up so we-LE and NL- sleep over Jenny Botti’s house. now one thing i remember about that was how AWKWARD it was. We talked a little and then sat down to play apples to apples, that was the first time i ever played it. We were all thinking it, so Jenny just said it. “this is kind of awkward.” After that we laughed and talked, it was bonding
Well there were several vans to carry xenoids from xenos to michigan. it took a day or two and we stopped for cabins over night. all the while we became more comfortble with eachother, that i was myself again.
We stayed camped slept then came the day camp.
me and anele set our crafts up and the kids came out of the vans.
Every day there were more kids.
they were so cute and so fun!! by the last day, we all basically had a friend.
The teachings were just the right amount of time and my skit prevailed.
before every day, we had an hour to read our Bibles, pray, think, and get ready. it was very peaceful.
One day i remember i just sat there praying (thinking i would read the missionary bio i had w/ me) but i just prayed. and God totally was talking right to me. As i prayed, i felt so rejuvinated, if you will. It just snapped why i was there and what i was doing.
So liek 18 kids were saved and it was amazing.
So, it was super coo and made some awesome friendships.
So i am just looking forward to this trip like no other. It realy is a great serving opportunity, fellowship time, ffaith building and al together awesome experience. So i hope those wordies are revvvved up as i am..!!!!!
i know they are, wtf :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
im just chillin here… at eleven ohh five. im just real grateful for my mama. like me and andie were talking bout how ungrateful people were and she gave me these assignments that made me realize i am grateful for my mom even though we argue a lot. how could i not be grateful for her ya know? one fish two fish, red fish blue fish. nik knack patty wack, give a dog a bone. DING! my descant is done
“the games are won at nighttime
in the gym at 12 o’clock on a friday,
when everybodys hangin out and you in the gym shooting thousands of jumpshots.”
“underneath the ground, bam: carrots, albuquerque.”
quoted: …just guess
i-was-fucking-there-2.jpg
oh and cavs, good game wednesday, brought it back up. though i didnt get to see all of it at all… lebron is just so much better than last season… he definitely makes the team. if he wants to go to new york or wherever: BOOM we screwed
in this picture, if the camera was pointed slightly to the left, you could see me.. well where i was at that very game of course they won and it was DWest’s game–for sure.
that was a good day…
anyways basic doctrine shoved lots of information into my head that i will probably forget if i dont study, and i dont study. I am determined to not fail this class and cannot wait for next time. The only thing i am nervous about are the memory verses.
i was trying to convince jon to go tuesday but he got angry at me (and note, i am ALWAYS angry at him b/c he is so frustrating.) And i tried to again today, he got angry again but i was not angry at all probably because i prayed before hand :)))). a very mad sad and rude little man. poor guy.
SOO in J2 we was talkn bout J2 nxt year. Kyle said mike was going to take over sports editor next year and he said it like he was positive and i looked up and wa crushed. i totally wanted to be sports editor! trying to redeem himself once he saw the look on my face (so it seems) he said and elli will be editor in chief. psh, who wants to be editor in freaking chief!?! i said no way, of course and he asked me what i would want to be i said i didnt know. waiting until he turned around, i said sports… whatever i probably wont even do it next year, im just being a bitter old hag. next year for sure i am doing field hockey and basketball. maybe lacrosse but who knows. my mom suggested soccer. truthfully, i hate playing soccer with a bunch of xenos people ranging all shapes and sizes. but playing with a bunch of girls my age, i know i could do (i learned that in gym class.) so i know all xenos people think i suck and i admit it. so i wish i wouldve done field hockey this year so i could try soccer next year. soccer is a very fun sport and one of the only ones i enjoy playimg other than basketball (which indeed my suckyness has increased most profoundly over the span of one year.)
Well, i am excited for tonight because lauren is comming again! she is super stoked and soo amm ii! I have to remember to call stefi or else i will surely die. and i have to clean the bathrooms, and read great expectations.. heck im just making a list here arent i!
oh shit, i have to work on my laX story too!! HAHaAAAAA.. okay, no cavs tonight for me 
!hasta manana!
p.s. how do you change the background? the font is way too small, anyone know?
