I just wrote a long depressing blog about how I am sad that everyone thinks of me as negative. I deleted it because that is totally ironically stupid. Besides, contrary to popular beliefs, I am hardly every depressed! I am so happy right now I just thought, whats the point of whining over something that i think i am improving? i just want to be known for my hits not just my misses.
Moving on; Carrie and I are teaching cell tomorrow! I am so pumped for it! I love making all the outlines, looking up verses and organizing the information into an interesting facts. I do not feel stressed at all. The Lord totally has his hand on this teaching, I can feel it. I just hope I dont screw it up beforehand. I am going over 2 attributes of God: ompnipotent and love. Have you ever had the feeling when you just realize how amazing God is? It kind of feels like a refresher. Every couple of weeks, God just reminds me of how amazing he really is and what an awesome thing he did for us! I mean, how come I am so selfish when he did this selfless act-for me!! Wow!
I lost my tennis match in tennis class today. It was fun playing, but I realize i hav just gotten worse from starting the class that is supposed to improve my ’skills.’ I am apparently random when happy.
I am happy. I am joyful! The Spirit is in me and I cannot stop praying. I love the feeling of God loving me. I only hope that everyone else can know this feeling too. Including Courtney, Kenni, “Stefanie” lets call them, even J! How awesome is it to have the Body of Christ as a family? Thank you, Lord! i feel as though all of my problems are solved forever except for the fact that my World history book is waiting to be read and the review worksheet for the test is not completed. I hardly know the names of the battles for the test tomorrow and have forgotten to get ads for the newspaper for the past 2 months. I dont mind, as long as i can sleep with this feeling… heck, I don’t think I will be able to sleep!
goodnight!
I just wasted an hour writing an article i was supposed to write wednesday then friday and repeat writing it over the weekend… but i didnt start until sunday at 11:30 and having the latest issue of the Stohion rely on that article and, all in all, me, i was not in a hurry at all. but i will get it done by 3rd period, typed and all with all three copies attached, each one drastically different from the other to hand one to Abbey, Steve and Tessa. Abbey will edit it with many corrections telling me i had a too wordy intro and some opinion in there but tell me that it was good and interesting for a sports story while smiling at me, cause she is nice like that. But she will only give it to me the next day. Tessa will tell me how i need to work on grammar and think in the back of her head that i suck and am just a freshman (when really i am a sophmore) and later complain i know nothing of writing (she forgets i am an editor also.) Steve will think it is a good story. pretty positive for a game that they lost badly and thinks i need to put that one play in that Nate Reed did that i didnt feel like putting in because i dont know lingo like that. I will ask Mike how to word that play that i didnt put in because i dont know how to talk football then he will start explaining in his low, football voice but Steve will interupt and they will start talking and complaining about how they lost. I will fix SOME of the suggestions all three editors made and give it to Don. Don will find only 2 mild mistakes and maybe one major one. She’ll ask if i checked last names and ill say yes and eventually do it. Then I will sit here the next couple of days listening to Becca being stressed, tessa complaining, jenna and nykell gossiping, jessica trying to talk to steve, steve banging on the laptop as if it were a drum, steve’s iPod on high, shelby come in late, Mary complimenting everyone and Matt’s speech impediment when he said choo choo train. I will go on basecamp, text adi and kyle, take pictures of steve banging on the laptop mindlessly and don falling asleep, argue with becca about how not all republicans have a pole up their ass, blog, read forums, look at the homecoming pictures i am hardly in and look really bad in, sleep and maybe work on my page.. but probably not. Becca will probably shove th ‘Bible’ under my nose friday so i will have to look up my punctuation mistakes while i wish it was the second semester and chloe ad jocelyn were in here so i dont have to talk to steve anymore about meaningless stuff, no matter how hilarious he is even when he isnt trying to be.
So that is what is going to happen in journalism next week. I know, i can read minds and tell the future. Just kidding. I am so sorry to anyone who read that whole thing! i was laughing the whole time i was writing it because it is so true! haha thats a nice class, Journalism 2…
So homecoming was this week! The game was super fun, even though we lost. a new guy came up to me, that is always a plus, though i didnt get a chance to invite him to luna’s. I interviewed people, including head coach tinkler and super dull duane, with lots of help from anele!
then saturday i got to sleep in and then lazily pretend to get ready while i was actually ‘journaling.’ i hate the actual verb of writing, i just like to write. My hand cramps up and eventually i get super tired, so my journal or diary consists of pictures with poems written by me on the side or quotes from songs that happen to be playing. They are all black and white in 3 different sizes of sharpies. Some pictures make me cry, a lot of them make me mad. Only a couple are happy and most are the best pictures i have ever drawn. but nobody has seen them. Excpet a couple. Asta saw them once and i told her i was just bored because i was embarrased i had ever drawn a picture of that guy and a poem to describe my thought of our friendship. But i was wrong, they ALL have something to do with me. A lot are about Bianka and Mallory and Lauren and Asta. I even have a couple about Alex and a couple about B (i know that one is a happy one, haha.) One is a quote taht chloe said and one is how anele looked at me. about 10 are of what i want, about 5 are of what i am struggling with. Most of them have God in there, whetther i am complaining or praising. I dont want anyone to see them but i wished someone would ask. I hate them and a lot of them are ripped in half. Only some of them i hold close to me. I dont think i can share them with anyone, seeing as they are concerning me.
if you didnt noctice, that was a freehand poem, thankyathankya.
anyways, homecoming:
Kate did my hair! i was not going to do anything but she was all ooh it will look very nice and it only took a couple of minutes and it did look awesome!
We got to the howell’s and i hate taking pictures. I definitely wanted one with Asta and Lauren separate, but alas; asta was attached to 100 other girls + jordan and lauren was attached to jon. Adi was with anele and zafi and becky but i did manage to get one with her. for the group pic, i went to the ack and couldnt stop laughing cause jon is fucking hilarious. Then i couldnt get to the front again so you can just see a floating head. HAHA it was funnayyy! i really dont want to go next year unless i have a date though. or bring more firends that dont have dates. Laur was there of course but she was with jon and will probably have a date next year too.
Well w/e. I could pretend i am above the whole thing like one tall blonde senior that changed his mind at the last second leaving me alone to slow dance with anele… whom by the way is a very good dance, though we got distracted a lot looking at asta and jordan, and chris… haha jk.. but no seriously. I feel so weird. I sont feel sad but im really happy lately! and i cannot sleep and i have energy but my body won’t resopnd. AHH its crazy cool. Im gunna go eat… have fun reading this,
and trying to figure it out.
“fuck if you understand me, I like beng misunderstood.”
lil wayne, anyone?
Shelly, Lauren and i at the dance!!!
shell my bell, laur i adore, and me i gotta pee
trust me, it is more comfy than it sounds…
“No one else will know these lonely dreams..” maybe people do. I have a hard time relating with my friends sometimes. They talk about soccer, driving, parties or boyfriends all of which i have a lack of experience. So the best i can do for them is listen, pray and when they ask me for advice… think? I didnt think anyone felt the way i felt. no one in my school has never had a boyfriend or a first kiss or no one has ever not played spin th bottle… then i realized there was someone in my house that felt almost the same way as me. but i think Adi is more confident in herself and i look up at her for it.
There is a lot of pressure coming from the water above and the current below, squeezing me so hard i canot even say a word to stop it. It has always bothered me until now. I guess i got used to people saying “youve never had a boyfriend!!” more astonished than actually caring. and now its home coming.
part of me doesnt want to go because i dont want to go with someone… or because i hate it when people ask who are you going with… or because the thought of spending even that much amount of time being there with someone totally scares the shit out of me.
Ive always said i just didnt want a boyfriend… i realise now that it is because i am terrified. I am scared shitless when i have to open up to asta or lauren… how am i supposed to date someone? how am i supposed to put the rest of my life into someone’s hands [when the time comes] and tell them i love them!?! its super scary… i dont want to get married.
i have thought about it of course.
my big time crush in 7th grade…
of course he was way out of my league… but he WAS a great friend and i could actually see myself trusting him… but you know that was 7th grade.
i havent liked anyone that much since. plus its not like it is important right now right?
then why do i think about it all the time?
im just being a 15 year old girl… which sucks. and i swear i try to be mature and above what people say but i take it and i chew on it for some time then i stick it in th back of my cheeck to move on but when i remember its there, i cant spit it out… “..and im not supposed to let it bother me.”
gosh, this is when i would LOVE to be a guy…
A shooting star flashes across the screen, and what does she wish for? To just be Hannah Montana. Not Miley. No school or complcation of hiding her other life, just Hannah Montana. Rolling my eyes at any other Disny Channel fantasy because, in fact, her wish comes true. She changes into a mega million dollar blondie and realizes how her life sucks. She never met her friends and her brother, overcome with jealousy, left and was on his own. Her dad married a bubble brain and was never home…
Thinking about what i would wish for led to a number of ideas. One was brought up from the folds of my brain, dug deep into my skull was that everyone would go to heaven with me. growing up, i see now the complications with free will, and that wish would never work out. 
Then, of course, wishes such as a million dollars, fastest person ever, meeting Delonte West, movig to Hawaii, Paul never dying, me skipping a couple years, making friends, being skinny forever and becoming pretty flashed into my head and i felt terrible. This was during the week. I hadnt realized it was this much on my mind until the ride home from our retreat. How selfish am i to be thinking this stuff? How can i conjure up these wishes that could never come true, i mean i feel as though i am six again. That growing up wish could work now.
So i thought and i had a dream about it… it was weird. Well, the dream was me giving a speech. The speech was about what i wanted. “What did i want?” i started off. I liste off all those i did earlier… then i said “but i dont want love.” Thats weird to me. Since 7th grade i have thouhgt i’ve fallen inlove with these stupid boys and all i wanted was for them to love me back, but no. no i dont. I dont want that.
What i want, which sounds so extremely selfish ringing in my ears, is to love. To know how to love. To treat people lovingly. To know how to talk to others in a way they feel loved. I want to listen to them and care.
I wish i could love someone.
Its as simple as that.
And the thing is, its not only for one reason. Not only do i want to make friends, i want these people to forget how i am. I DONT know how to love. Im surprised i even know how to listen. I dont care, i dont feel for anyone anymore… well a couple. I want to. And i’m tired of it. I’m tired of getting “your mean,” “how selfish,” “say your sorry,” “another mean comment by Elli.” “bitch” “bitter” “negative”…
I wish i could take it back. erase a couple years.
you know?
I hurt more people than i know. and i dont want that. i wish i was quiet like i used to be, soo i couldnt hurt asta, adi, anele, mom, katie dad… everyone. or myself. i hate hurting cause as i hurt you, i hurt me. i guess i do care, but not enough to stop myself at that moment. not enough to go back and say sorry. not enough to ask God to help me. So, if you ever felt a slight bit of anger, annoyence or if you were ever hurt by me: I am so sorry.
I dont want that. I dont want to be mean. and the thing is, its only a wish.
“like every inch of me is bruised… bruised….”
To me, from where i stand, a better looking wish is to die…
but I’m already dead. 
“….im finally waking up.”
its time to start over, with God this time. <3
___ So b i have been told the i am better than you feeling is very common in melancholy temperments. i know i definitely used to feel it all the time. but right now, i wish i was what you guys are. i dont feel better than anyone. i really wish i was anele because she is overall perfect. spriitual, pretty, funny, smart and charming. Adi is pretty, spiritual, artistic and has a good way with words. asta, dont evern get me started. b and kyle’s faith is so strong i would give anything to be like them.
Me and my sister have talked about this feeling too. she tells me how she is more mel than she thought and how she looks down on a lot of people. and when the do you ever feel that way? question omes up, i say no because i am overall jealous of everyone because everyone seems to be better than me. so in that case why not try to work harder and get something your good at so peope could look up to you and maybe someone will tell you that THEy want to be like YOU.
Problem is, im not good at anything in particular. like i know i can write-a little (even though joe doesnt like my style of writing,) i can run and..uh… talk. not even. oh wait, i am pretty darn good at sleepin. no ferreal: katie taught me how to use photoshop and i like to ddesign clothes. but adi can say she is awsome at art, marena is the star runner on track (and she is 14) asta is amazing softball player and all sports player, coutrney rocks at soccer, kyle is a good teacher, jordan plays basketball, katie sings& acts & stuff.. i dunno i have just always wanted to be excellent at something… okay done with that, bad feelings gone, whatever not a big deal but its a blog, right?
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torn between two lovers part:
to go to a playoff game would be friggin sweet, which i have probably expressed to a lot of people who are annoyed by now. [and if you are annoyed with reading about they cavaliers, you can stop now, i dont like you either] i dont know if to get tickets you have to buy a 08-09 season pass and thats the only way or what? BUT i had entered this contest for a chance to buy 2 tikets to a game. ha! you have won the chance to purchase tickets!! how redic does that sound?
Well, i got the email and am all like psshht i would never go but i just read it to my mom and she was like, oh wheres my phone? call dad! so actually, my dad is all into the idea and if we get the 33 dolla seats, that aint horrible. (plus you get a free shirt and towel if you go right? sweeet.)
Well we would go to game five round one or the first home game of round two. I soo hope they win the next 2 games to get this round overwith cause i REALLY want to see them play boston (which i am pretty positive that that is who they are playing.) it would be an interesting game with wally and delonte from the celtics previously and boston is good mayyyunn!
and if they win the next two games, the round will end and i will not go to game five on its scheduled wednesday but to a round two game which would not be on that particular wednesday.
and also, after emailing the Q, cavs.com, cavs team shop and this cavs person, someone emailed me back (right before i was going to call them.0 so i am finally going to get a delonte west jersey and hope that he doesnt get traded like larry did a year after i got HIS jersey.
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lately, i have not been so indulged with my material little things like clothes and shits. that is very good for me. serious! i used to be all over shoppin hollister smerican eagle (though they do have comfy jeans) and now i am just gots whats i haves ands is ams thankfuls forsem! (which i am totally working on gratitude cause me depraved..) dicipleship leason right therr… yay i am not completely stupid.
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WEEKEND FOOOL!
this weekend is going to be pretty cool, i am guessing.
starting tomarro::::::
THURSDAY: school (bleh) then come home to pop it at dance clizass, then rest it at hizome and next, watcho el cavos winos.
FRIDAY: presnt great expectations 2nd perios which is way to ealry for me to comprehend anything i might add, finish page in j2, picked up to leave for keentuckayy
once therr, i get to spen the whole time with my old gang: morgan, megan and asta. yayy! i love those little kids, all three of em, lol asta.
so hopefully SATURDAY: i will get to talk with asta and we could work on our goals for our relationshippyy.
and SUNDAY: hopefully everyone will be poppin and excited while the cavs win game 4 and there would no longer be a game 5.!!
exciting righT!?!
ELLI’S TO Do LIST:
- memorize basic verses
- read the friggin book i am actually presenting
- andie assignment
- talky 3 lauren-ee
- b’s assignment
- prepare for the weekend with games, books, clothes and all the goods.
so i am super pumped and super blessed with such an awesome famm and b.o.c.
<3 mwahh
